Taming tantrums

"If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times." Remember this being said to you when growing up? Probably when your parent, babysitter, or teacher wanted you to stop doing something you shouldn't be. I know I do.

Working in the field of child development has taught me why this statement is a bit unfair to very young children. First of all, not to discount those in our childhood who loved and taught us, but if they'd told us a hundred times who exactly was the slow learner? Or maybe, just maybe, it takes that much patience, time, and practice.

I've learned that teaching children what you expect of them is about more than correcting their behavior. It's about understanding it. It's easy to tell a child "no," "stop that," or "get down." But often this just results in frustration on the part of the adult because let's face it, children don't always do what we ask of them. Does that mean that they are mean, rebellious, disrespectful, or bad little children? Not so much. Actually, not at all.

Children in their early years (infants, toddlers, preschoolers, etc) who have temper fits aren't trying to to it to get their way or make you mad. They simply lack the capability to express their emotions in a more appropriate manner. Their little brains cannot yet tell them what words they need to say. For example, "I'm sad. I wanted to play with that toy, but she took it away."

It's funny in a way because often we, as adults, reprimand without thinking about this. We think that children are born with all they need to begin learning about the world around them and how to "behave" in it. Behavior, or rather, the ability to regulate your emotions must be taught and modeled for children. They don't know how to calm the little storms that well up inside, wether they be excitement, sadness, anger, etc, until you give them the words to do so and model that behavior for them in your own words and actions. Teaching this must start while children are really little and gradually progress.

Instead of taking the quick and easy "No, don't do that" or "Stop it I said," try something like, "Your face is going like this." (You kindly mimic the facial expression of the child).

"You seem angry. You wanted to play with that toy." This helps the child to understand what angry looks like and teaches them that you understand and are there to help.

As the child is looking at you, add "Breathe with me. You can handle this" and let him watch you guide him into breathing deeply in and out one time. This gives a pause before reacting in anger and frustration toward another child, himself, you, or in general. Besides, what adult doesn't need to take a pause before reacting? When we don't, we often say or do things that we regret later.

Next, guide the child over to the child who took the toy in this case and try saying, "Tell her, I don't like it when you take my toy." Or "I don't like it when you do that." This teaches the child to appropriately express his feelings.

Then, help the other child to give back the toy by saying, "You were excited and wanted a turn." As you guide her hand into the boy's upturned hand, try saying, "his turn." Once the toy is in the the other child's hands, celebrate it like a victory by clapping the little girl's hand together and enthusiastically announcing, "You did it! You took turns!" Children are usually so surprised by the energy and excitement of another person praising them at this point that they get excited too. I usually see big smiles pop up on little faces at this moment. This eases the tension and frees you and the children of frustration and anger. Also, providing positive praise and encouragement is much better for the child's self esteem and learning ability than yelling and frustration.

However, you can't only do this just once. It must become a daily routine, or daily practice. You must believe it is going to work and believe in yourself. You are a great parent, teacher, caregiver. They need you to teach them how to understand and express their feelings. There are so many of those little weird feelings in there and those little ones don't know the appropriate way to get em all out. Often they get told they are bad because they are angry or act a certain way so as they get older, children begin to hold their emotions in, or act out because they don't care, blame others, or simply find ways not to get caught.

Sure, it may be easier in that immediate moment to show them who's boss and just make them stop, control the situation and nip it in the bud right now, but it's really about teaching them to be emotionally well adjusted in the long run. We want them to stop, take a deep breath, and be able to solve their problems using words to tell others what's bothering them at that moment rather than by using force, hiding their feelings, or waiting for a bribe. Because in the long run, the bribes turn into more bribes and the words "stop," "don't," and "I've told you a hundred times" solve nothing and truly teach nothing. Connect with the child first, then show and tell. Show him what you want him to do by modeling appropriate behavior that teaches social and emotional development and give him the words to do the same. Remember, moms and dads, teachers and caregivers...when you catch your little one getting into what I like to call mistaken behavior, take a deep breath before you act and remember that you are his teacher and guide. Who else is going to show him how to be the best he can be but you?