Sikeston Standard Democrat: Columns: David Jenkins

Getting in the last word (11/10/10)
I realize cell phones today are complicated. They have a lot of little buttons and gadgets they didn't have a few years ago. But unfortunately some people still haven't figured out how to use them...

I'll exercise self-restraint (09/29/10)
I recently made a Labor Day resolution that I would start exercising and eat better, all in an effort to get in better shape. Now that September is nearly over I figured I had better get going on my resolution...

More than wins, losses (09/15/10)
I am not originally from Sikeston or Charleston but in the 12-plus years I have worked at the Standard Democrat I have grown an appreciation of the rivalry between the two schools. Especially in football, where the two teams met for the 125th time just a week and a half ago...

Out of the mouth of a babe (08/11/10)
One of my favorite people in baseball is Yogi Berra. I know I never got to see him play but he has given some of the greatest quotes I can remember. Who can't laugh at quotes like: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious"...

Going to bat for Blake (08/04/10)
Of all the teams in all the world, he had to be traded to the Cubs. On Sunday, Sikeston's own Blake DeWitt suited up for the Chicago Cubs for the first time and many around town cringed as he walked out onto the field wearing the Cub blue. For some, rooting for the Cubs might be too much to ask regardless of who their second baseman is...

Sweet goodness goes bad (07/14/10)
My world has been turned upside down and now I don't know what to do. The other day when I woke up I was positive the sun rose in the east and two plus two equaled four. Now I have no idea what to think. It began when I saw the headline "Fruit Roll-Ups dangerous to your health?" At first I thought it had to be a joke but then I continued to read and was even more disturbed...

Here's the poop on fish (07/07/10)
A few months ago, my wife switched jobs and during her switch I was asked if I wanted a refugee -- a betta fish. With the only other option being a flush while still alive, I agreed. It is a fish, how much trouble could it be?...

Having a super birthday (06/30/10)
Is it me, or do birthdays seem to come around too often? I think I've been celebrating my 21st birthday for about 15 years now but like clockwork, every 365 days it is here again. It's funny how differently people react to their birthdays. Some people tell the world it is their birthday and want cake, presents and other extravagances while others want to ignore the day and hope nobody notices...

No kicks from World Cup (06/23/10)
As a child I never liked being force-fed strained carrots or whatever awful creation they made for babies back then. I don't actually remember being force-fed, but I know I don't like it as an adult so I only assume I didn't like it as a child. Maybe that is why I don't care much for soccer. ...

A few burning issues (06/16/10)
While my wife has a lot of great qualities, common sense is not always one of them. As a matter of fact, I think somewhere along the way she lost her common sense and just has not been able to find it...

Tomorrow isn't for sale (06/09/10)
Summer has finally arrived and there is nothing like the heat and humidity of Missouri, perfect to head outside for some swimming, golf and, of course, suffocation. It also means dreaded yard sale season. That's right, the time to sell your junk to other people who are looking for junk. Of course every summer my wife collects all our unwanted stuff for a yard sale she has at a friend's house...

No class in some courses (05/26/10)
How would you like to go back to college and take a course called "Physics of Star Trek?" Well, if you were enrolled in a local university you could. I found this out just the other day when I came across of list of classes my wife is to choose from. She is going back to school to get her four-year degree and she apparently has to take three ridiculous university studies courses. I say ridiculous because they are just a way for the university to get more money...

The last word on games (05/12/10)
As I age, I find that I am still learning new things. Unlike an old dog, I find myself performing new tricks all of the time. However, sometimes the things I don't know, can make me look a little ridiculous. That happened recently when my wife and I had game night with some friends. Now I love board games and usually I am very good at them as long as you don't team me with my wife. That is bad board game ju-ju...

Keeping abreast of issues (04/28/10)
As a child I wanted to be many things. I wanted to be a fireman, a baseball player, cowboy and of course, president of the United States. Yes, president, but as with most things, when you grow up you, well, grow up. My dreams of being a baseball player disappeared when I realized I wasn't very good and after I looked in the mirror and saw what I looked like in a cowboy hat, I decided that wasn't for me either...

All wrapped up in fashion (04/14/10)
Sometimes, when my mind goes blank (and I have to admit that is quite often), I have to search headlines to come up with something to write about. So there I was, scouring the news Web sites when I came across this headline, "Iowan ready for prom with gum wrapper dress."...

Spring training has begun (04/07/10)
Baseball has finally arrived. The smell of the grass, hot dogs and beer fill the air and add to that the smell of money, and nothing could be better. That's right, money. You see, this season marks the first step toward my making millions of dollars thanks to my little nephew. The little tyke begins T-ball this week and his march to the billions of dollars that will be headed his way...

It's my diet - no kidding (03/31/10)
I apparently have a disorder I have dubbed Kid Diet. I was never aware of this condition until it was recently brought to my attention by a co-worker. I've never thought of myself as someone with a childish diet. When I'm hungry, I eat and I eat what I think tastes good. Evidently my taste buds rival that of a 5-year-old...

Dogged by a tiny terrorist (03/24/10)
As people line up to take sides on the new health care reform, I can't help but be torn between the two sides. On the one hand it is a little socialist for my taste, but on the other you have my wife. My wife is the perfect example of why people need health care. If it is going to happen to somebody, it will happen to her. Without health insurance we would have been living in cardboard boxes a long time ago...

Does this float your boat? (03/17/10)
For the last two months I have been living vampire hours while covering high school basketball games. That left me out of the informational loop so in getting back with the swing of things I decided to read some back issues of our great paper. That's when I saw that our Sikeston Department of Public Safety was getting an inflatable boat...

You should take my advice (05/13/09)
In these tough economic times, one can't be too careful with their spending. In fact, with newspapers dropping like flies all across the country, I'm starting to think about a second career. The only problem with finding a second career is there isn't much call for a sarcastic, below-average writer. ...

Pride: The great mistake (04/29/09)
There is a Proverb quote that goes something like: "Pride and poverty don't get along, but often live together." Very poignant stuff and also something that I found to be true this last week. Everything started so innocently as it most often does. I was sitting with a couple of co-workers, typing up track results, when the topic of how fast we could or couldn't run came up. ...

Bad fads just a part of life (12/17/08)
Well, winter has officially arrived in Southeast Missouri, complete with ice and frigid temperatures. But from the looks of things, teen girls have been expecting this weather for quite some time...

Bah, humbug! It's Christmas (12/10/08)
Once again, Christmastime is here. People are hanging lights from their houses, singing awful songs about snowmen and going crazy trying to find that perfect present that has been sold out for months. Ahhh, Christmas. I know, I'm the Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever you want to call me. I don't mean to be, but as Christmas gets closer and closer I seem to hate it more and more. But I do try...

My sports life is a fantasy (12/03/08)
"Fantasy football is the devil." It was a simple text message I got from a friend Sunday afternoon that stated so much in five little words. Yes, I am a 'fantasy football geek.' I didn't mean to be, it just sort of happened. What began as signing up for a team on a lark has turned into an obsession and not exactly one I'm all that proud of...

Beware of the evil kittens (11/26/08)
I used to think little kittens were cute, cuddly little things who liked to play with balls of yarn and give you that sweet, innocent little look with their big eyes. But that was before last week when I found out that some kittens can be evil...

I could be her parting shot (11/19/08)
There is an epidemic sweeping through the office of the Standard Democrat. While not the Bubonic Plague, it is something that can be just as deadly, especially for me...

I've no thirst for adventure (11/12/08)
It was a nice Saturday night. The house was quiet as my wife and dogs were snuggled in their bed while I was left to enjoy the quiet with my television remote in one hand and a nice, cold frosty beer in my other...

Bring on the next election (11/05/08)
By the time you read this, barring any hanging chads or voter fraud, we will have a new president and the election season will have mercifully come to an end. Personally I hope I don't hear the word "change" again until four years from now and if I get one more phone call from a stupid political group I may have to disconnect my phone. Apparently in Missouri the no call list means absolutely nothing...

Take my advice before you vote (10/29/08)
Six days. That is all the time left before we must decide which pathetic excuse for a presidential candidate we will vote for. While the days dwindle, I have been asked by several people if I will be endorsing anyone in this column...

Road trip with the three stooges (10/22/08)
Every once and a while you just need to get away for a few days. That was my thinking when I took off with two friends to watch a Kansas City Chiefs game this past weekend...

This is sign of wasted money (10/08/08)
Did you know that if you don't buckle your seat belt you could get a ticket? I know, it was news to me too. But that is sure what I learned the other day when I drove back from Benton on Interstate 55...

Some news to cheer and jeer (10/01/08)
While the stock market falls like a lead balloon and lawmakers bicker back-and-forth about what to do next, I have turned my attention to a couple of other issues that are flying under the radar...

Parade won't be as sweet (09/24/08)
Since I was a little kid I have loved parades. And what's not to like? There are the bands, police cars, fire trucks, pretty girls riding in convertibles, politicians handing out stickers and, of course, getting to see horses poop in public. But the greatest thing about parades is coming away with bags of candy...

This gouge is bleeding gas (09/17/08)
My story is like so many others. I was standing there, minding my own business, when I'm told if I need gas I had better go and get some before the price goes any higher. My response, like it is to most things, was "huh?"...

Speak up, not Speakout (09/03/08)
If I had a dollar every time I heard somebody say, "the only reason I get the paper is to read Speakout," I would be a rich man. Not only would I be a rich man, but I probably would have enough money to buy all the newspapers in the Midwest...

Going for the gold - my way (08/27/08)
I am tired. As a matter of fact, I'm worn out, not to mention in a little bit of withdrawal. Who wouldn't be though? After two weeks of the Olympics, I'm ready for a four-year rest. It was hard not to get hooked on the Olympics with the 3,600 hours of television coverage. I think the only channel I didn't see the Olympics on was Lifetime. Then again, that channel is blocked from my TV since all they want to show is movies about men beating women. Some woman's channel...

The wonders of my mind (08/20/08)
I have often been told that I have a warped mind. I'm starting to think I agree although it didn't dawn on me until this last weekend when my wife and I made an innocent trip to the store. First, there was the drive to the store when I saw a shoe on the side of the road. ...

Weighing in on sagging issue (08/13/08)
The Sikeston City Council had an interesting meeting last week as officials immersed themselves into the issue of, well, sagging. Never in my life would I have expected a city council to address this issue but these are the times and town in which we live...

David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins

Home