Columns

It's my castle but pets rule
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 08/06/08
One of these days I will learn to stop checking the mail. No, I didn't come across another enormous Victoria's Secret bill. This time I came across an enormous vet bill. All I was doing was looking for my Sporting News magazine and there is this envelope from the vet with my wife's name on it. ...

Time shared wasn't enough
David Jenkins ~ 08/03/08
Normally I try to make this column witty and sarcastic but today I am still saddened by the death of Standard Democrat photographer Tim Jaynes. Only 38, Tim leaves behind a wife, two small children along with many family and friends. If you haven't met Tim then you have just moved to the area or never leave your house. For 19 years Tim was everywhere, taking pictures of everyone and everything. He seemed to know everybody and everyone knew him...

Going fishing - feet first
David Jenkins ~ 07/23/08
Despite what my wife may say, I am not one for being pampered. Oh sure, I like it when my wife brings me food and drink while I sit in my recliner watching television, but I'm talking real pampering like getting a pedicure and such. My wife on the other hand is big on the pampering things like a pedicure. ...

Bombarded by really bad ads
David Jenkins ~ 07/16/08
Why is it when you go on vacation, or staycation in my case, you always come back more tired than when you left? For me, I know why and I am going to blame everything on television. You see, my staycation was filled with reading, playing softball and watching plenty of television. But unfortunately most of my television viewing took place late at night where I was bombarded by awful TV commercials. If you have ever stayed up late to watch television you know what I am talking about...

Mornings just come too early
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 03/26/08
I recently came across an article on the Internet that claims that a majority of American adults feel their best between the hours of 5 a.m. and noon, making them "morning people." It's nice to know that a majority of American adults are liars. Me, I couldn't even lie about something so far from the truth. I am as anti-...

Dr. Bracketology is at work
David Jenkins ~ 03/19/08
Beginning tomorrow, workloads will decrease across the country thanks to a little thing I like to refer to as the Holy Grail. That's right, tomorrow the NCAA tournament begins. With the exception of women's beach volleyball there is no greater sport than basketball and I am a basketball junkie. ...

It's all in the words you choose
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 03/12/08
Warning: Those who are offended by allusions to foul language or who might be inclined to chase me down and wash my mouth out with soap should probably not read any further. What the $%? I was surfing through news stories the other day and came across a story about a community on the edge of Los Angeles that has become a cuss-free zone. You don't say?...

Taking the hunt to the streets
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 03/05/08
I was perusing the Cape Girardeau newspaper the other day when a headline caught my eye: "Conservation agent proposes bowhunting in Cape city limits." You don't say. The thought of walking into Barnes and Noble, dodging arrows, immediately popped into my head. I have enough trouble trying to keep my wife out of Victoria's Secret, I certainly don't need the added hassle of worrying about keeping my head down when walking to and from my car when I'm up there...

Can't wait to get on the road
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 02/27/08
Over the last week I have spent a lot of time driving while on my way to and from district basketball tournaments. While on the road I have learned that a person can learn a lot from driving. Yes, we all know that big rigs own the road and will come over into your lane whether there is room or not. And no matter how much I want to hold my ground, my little SUV is nothing more than a fly on the windshield to the idiot drivers...

I should microwave it good-bye
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 02/21/08
Everyone needs a nemesis. The Cardinals have the Cubs, Sikeston has Notre Dame, the Hatfields had the McCoys and Britney Spears has, well, Britney Spears. Me, I have the microwave. The microwave is one of the most evil inventions ever known to man. Invented by Al Gore and Lucifer, the microwave is modeled after the famous Easy Bake Oven as a simple way to warm food for those who aren't intelligent enough to work the stove or oven. ...

Ice is nice for real challenges
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 02/13/08
I hate winter. I hate the cold weather, the runny noses, the frozen feet and especially the snow. There is nothing pretty about snow, certainly after it starts melting and is all brown and nasty. But there is one thing about winter that I do enjoy, the ice...

I'm just so sick of being sick
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 02/06/08
This getting old business is, well, getting old. And never has it gotten as old as it did this last week. For years I've prided myself on being able to avoid being sick. Yes, I get a cold here or there, and while I may feel bad for a day or so, it is never anything that lingers for a long period of time. But that was before the gray hairs starting popping up, the joints started hurting and I started referring to young people as "kids these days."...

Having the answer isn't trivial
David Jenkins ~ 01/30/08
For years I have thought my college education was virtually useless. I never understood the point of taking science and math classes when your field has nothing to do with those subjects. On Saturday, I learned the reason. It is called trivia night. Groups of six-to-eight people form teams and answer 10 questions in 10 categories with the team answering the most correctly winning...

Paving priorities for Sikeston
David Jenkins ~ 01/23/08
I have been alarmed by some of the front page stories and photos that have appeared in the Standard Democrat recently. If you've missed them, let me tell me what you're missing. First, we have Sikeston's mayor laying down the law to those that litter in Sikeston. ...

My pet peeve is animal cruelty
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 01/16/08
In the past year the headlines of this newspaper and others around the country have been a little disheartening. First, there was the Michael Vick dogfighting case. Then there was the case of the abandoned animals in Essex and again more dogfighting in Dudley. Then Monday there was another case of animal cruelty from a vet in Kennett...

Untying one of life's mysteries
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 01/09/08
I love politics so I have been paying close attention to the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire primary. However, while watching the speeches and campaigning, a stupid thought formed in my head. Why do men wear ties? A man smarter than I am once told me that if you wear a tie people will look at you as a powerful or serious man. ...

Losing my cool over the fridge
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 01/02/08
If it weren't for bad luck, I sometimes feel that my wife and I would have none at all. Especially, if it comes in December. Let me explain. For my wife, December is cursed. Here are a few things that have happened to her in month of December since we have known each other. ...

A bit of post-Christmas poetry
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 12/26/07
It's the day after Christmas and I'm cranky and broke, And I'm so sick of egg nog I think I'm going to choke. I'm tired and busy and have no column for today, So here is some Foxworthy, I hope that is OK. 'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,...

Christmas songs? Bah, humbug
David Jenkins, Sarcasm De Jour ~ 12/19/07
I started my car the other day and I heard "Frosty, the Snowman." Now there are a few things you normally won't hear when you are in my car. Somebody talking fast while rhyming their words, somebody moaning their words while playing a banjo and "Frosty, the Freakin' Snowman."...