I recently came across an article on the Internet that claims that a majority of American adults feel their best between the hours of 5 a.m. and noon, making them "morning people." It's nice to know that a majority of American adults are liars.
Me, I couldn't even lie about something so far from the truth. I am as anti-
morning as you can get. When co-workers come in and say "good morning" they don't even acknowledge me for fear that I might pick them up and slam them up against a wall all the while screaming "oh, it's a good morning all right!"
Mornings start out like crap right from the start. First, it is the stupid alarm. I don't know who came up with these things but they should have to spend eternity listening to "beep-beep-beep-beep." There is no better feeling than waking up out of a deep sleep to "beep-beep-beep-beep." It is worse than someone throwing ice water on your face.
Since I don't like to have a heart attack first thing in the morning, I tend to go for the radio alarm, or in my case, an iPod alarm. Yes, I now wake up to my favorite tunes in the morning so that can't be bad can it? Wrong. It's great to wake up to "Ice, Ice Baby" and have that idiotic tune in your head for the rest of the day. As if there wasn't enough reasons to hate Vanilla Ice. How did that even get it on my iPod?
Once I've hit the snooze button a dozen times and decided that I had better get up or I'll get fired, I then have to find the off button on the alarm. Have you noticed they make the snooze button 10 times the size of the off button? I nearly broke my hand the other morning punching every button until I could no longer hear the no-talent Vanilla Ice. People tell you to get enough sleep but think about it - if your alarm clock wakes you up, you aren't getting enough sleep.
But forced to awaken I then shower and take care of the other morning pleasantries in about five minutes all while bobbing my head to the beat of "Ice, Ice Baby." Of course, standing in the shower I realize that I could use about an hour more and I swear some days I doze off while being pelted by the hot water. But don't fear, I always awake to the sound of the second verse of "Ice, Ice Baby."
Unfortunately, it gets worse. Once you are out of the house in civilization you have to put up with the actual "morning people." You know them. They are the ones that run a marathon, make breakfast, iron clothes and build a house all before 7 a.m. Peppy and flawlessly dressed with not a wrinkle to be found, they often can be seen whistling and smiling. These are the people I would like to run over with my wife's car. Not mine of course because I don't want to damage it, but any other car would do. Once you are hit by a car it isn't such a good morning anymore is it?
Then there are those people who try to make small talk with you. You know these people as well. They ask you how you slept and often reply, "I slept like a baby last night."
Me, I don't want to sleep like a baby but like an adult. I have no need to cry and scream and poop my diaper while trying to sleep. I want to shut my eyes and dream about beautiful women (like my wife, of course) and sports.
These same people are the one's that also tell you to get to sleep earlier and then the morning won't seem so bad. Being an adult, I don't need a bedtime like I did when I was in grade school. And it didn't matter then either. I was just as grouchy in the morning when I was 7 as I am 27 years later. If you don't believe me then ask my second grade teacher that is still hiding in the corner.
I used to drink coffee to help me wake up but now I am drinking the most caffeinated sodas I can find. I think next I am going to find someone to inject straight sugar into my veins every morning when I walk out the door. Maybe that will turn me into a "morning person." Now if I could just stop singing that stupid "Ice, Ice Baby."