"You're lying like a dog big boy. Not even in miniature golf could this slob make 11 aces."
I am a golfer. Well actually those who have played a round of golf with me would strongly dispute that statement. So let me say simply that I own a set of golf clubs and, from time to time, I attempt to use them for their intended purpose.
But as a golfer, I have come across two items in the news this week that give me pause. And so I'll repeat them now.
First, in a bit of tragic news, investigators said this week they may have discovered the cause of the fatal airplane crash in North Carolina last fall that claimed a dozen lives. A small commuter plane crashed on take-off and investigators feel the cause of the tragedy was an overloaded plane. The commuter plane had just left the ground when it banked sharply and crashed into an airport hangar. All on board were killed.
Investigators said the plane was loaded with golfers heading for a weekend of golf in warmer climates. The crash report said the plane included several over-weight golfers and their golfing gear. The hefty golfers and their clubs and bags apparently combined to doom the ill-fated flight.
I won't question the report but it does put a negative light on members of the golfing community. The image of a dozen fat duffers and their expensive and heavy clubs does not improve the public perception of golfers.
I can't help but wonder if the doomed flight had contained a women's group heading to the casinos in Atlantic City would investigators have pointed out the weight issue? Maybe some plump women and their bags full of slot machine quarters could have caused the very same mishap. But who knows.
The other golfing item is just plain bizarre. And it's a lie especially to any self-respecting golfer.
It seems that North Korean strongman Kim Jong Il celebrated his 61st birthday in February. Now for those uninformed, Kim Jong Il is as crazy as a loon. I mean, to be honest, this guy is a nut case with a super-inflated ego. And to think, he has a nuclear bomb or two. He'll make Iraq look like Disneyland.
But back to Jong. The benevolent leader wanted some special way to celebrate his birthday and to mark it appropriately for the North Korean people. So his kindness decided to do two things. First he turned on the electricity to much of the nation for a 24 hour period. Apparently in North Korea, electricity is in short supply. So 24 hours of electricity was viewed as a major treat for the North Koreans.
But then Kim Jong Il just went too damned far. He decided to celebrate his birthday by playing the first round of golf in his lifetime. Not a bad idea necessarily for a late bloomer.
But here's where Jong made his mistake. Jong's spokesman said the communist leader played a round of golf - his first - and recorded 11 holes-in-one. Now wait just a second Kim baby. You're lying like a dog big boy. Not even in miniature golf could this slob make 11 aces. Not a snowball's chance in hell buddy.
Can you imagine however that the poor electricity-challenged people of North Korea are actually expected to believe this windbag? Then again, I doubt any of them have ever heard of golf anyway so his lie probably didn't seem so implausible for the North Koreans.
So what have I learned from these news tidbits. Never flying with fat golfers and never believe a North Korean's golf score. Both will get you in deep trouble.