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Thursday, Aug. 25, 2016

Yippy yi ki yea, it's Mr. Rodeo

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

After counting the days and holding my breath, the Sikeston Jaycee Bootheel Rodeo has finally arrived. Four days of wanna-be cowboys, people from out of town and country music. What could be better, huh?

Normally I would rush for the safe haven known as my parents' house, waiting out the rodeo hustle-and-bustle in the comfort of their swimming pool. But this year will be different. Instead of dreading the rodeo, I want to embrace it. That's right, I want to become Mr. Rodeo.

But before I can go to the rodeo, I have to dress the part. I was told that my normal attire of khaki shorts and flip flops wasn't appropriate for the rodeo. So I had to ask a few friends for some advice on the proper attire.

The first thing I was told was to get a pair of jeans. Of course, not any pair of jeans will do. The jeans have to be Wranglers, preferably in a dark color. If I really want to look like Mr. Rodeo, I was told the jeans need to be tight. Apparently wanna-be cowgirls like seeing their men in snug Wranglers.

Next comes the shirt. While I like a nice polo shirt, I was told that wasn't going to make me Mr. Rodeo. In order to become Mr. Rodeo I need a snap-up long-sleeve shirt. The shirt must have two breast pockets and be tight. Here we go again with things being tight. You would think cowboys would wear loose-fitting shirts with all of the throwing ropes and getting thrown off bulls. Then I was told the shirt needs to ironed and have no wrinkles. Obviously being Mr. Rodeo will be harder than I thought.

Once I have my shirt and jeans I was told to get some cowboy boots. As I said earlier, I prefer flip flops to any other shoes, so wearing cowboy boots is a big leap. But picking cowboy boots is hard because there are a hundred different kinds. Of course, I knew I didn't want a pair of snake skin boots. I can just see me walking out in the yard with a pair of snake skin boots, ticking off all the neighborhood snakes. Next thing you know I have a yard full of angry snakes ready to turn me into their human-skin bandannas. No thank you. A pair of plain-jane boots will be fine.

Once I buy the boots, I was told I need to buy a belt to match. Why I need a belt I don't know since my pants are so tight it takes me an hour to get in them, but that is why I ask for advice. Keep in mind, I have belts. As a matter of fact I have a brown belt and a black belt, but neither of these are belts Mr. Rodeo would wear. No, Mr. Rodeo would wear a thick leather belt with Mr. Rodeo stitched in the back. That way when the cowgirls are checking out my tight jeans from behind, they'll know who I am.

But the belt isn't enough. To draw attention to the belt and to myself, I was told I needed a silver belt buckle, the size of Texas. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. The buckle only needs to be the size of Rhode Island. On this belt buckle should be something cool, like my initials or a bull rider trying to stay on a bull. I want a belt buckle with "Does this belt make me look fat?" designed on it

The highlight of any outfit for Mr. Rodeo is the cowboy hat. Typically I prefer a fitted ball cap but the only time guys really get to dress up is at Halloween and rodeo, so what the heck. Everything was fine until I tried on that first hat. It looked like somebody got a traffic cone, painted it white and gave it to me to wear as a hat. It looked ridiculous. As a matter of fact, I looked ridiculous.

I guess trying to transform myself into Mr. Rodeo is

n't the best of ideas. Just because I live in Sikeston doesn't make it necessary that I like the rodeo. Besides, as everyone else is swatting mosquitoes, watching cowboys getting saved by clowns, I'll be swatting mosquitoes while staying cool in my parents' pool. Ahh, I love rodeo.

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