In case you haven't checked you calendar, today is Halloween. That explains all of the little rugrats ringing your doorbell dressed as ghosts, goblins and ax murderers begging for candy or your money or whatever is the "in" thing this year.
Halloween is actually a day I enjoy. It is the one day a year -- well, besides the rodeo -- that you can dress up and not get made fun of. This year, I am going to pretend to be a newspaper columnist. Granted it is a stretch and there is no way I'm going to pull it off but if Britney Spears can pretend to be a good mother, then anything is possible.
Notice though that I said Halloween is a "day" I enjoy and not a holiday. That is because I refuse to give Oct. 31 holiday status. First, I don't get the day off. If you have to work, it isn't a holiday-- well, unless you work for the government. Secondly, I don't know why we even celebrate Halloween. I know why we celebrate Christmas, New Year's, Easter, the Super Bowl and some of the others, but I'm a little fuzzy on Halloween.
But I'm not one to admit not knowing something, so I looked it up on the Internet. Apparently Halloween is shortened from All-hallows-eve as it is the eve of "All Hallows' Day" which is-- oh who cares? Basically it is a day to keep evil spirits away. Oh yeah? Then why do we turn on our porch lights and give them candy when they come to the door?
Anyway, back on my topic, if I ever had one, I actually enjoy Halloween. I like the bonfires and the parties and I love scaring people. The night I got home late, put on my "Scream" mask that glowed in the dark and snuck into the bedroom and scared my wife was priceless. On quiet nights you can still hear the scream echoing in space.
While I like the day, there are some ways to make it better. The first is getting a day off of work. After all, they have stupid Halloween greeting cards, but then again Hallmark would make cards for your dog pooping if they thought it would make money.
Another way to make it better is to set standards on the candy that is handed out. When I was a kid I hated the non-chocolate candies, especially that Bit-
O-Honey junk. The only candy that should be handed out are things like: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Twix, Three Musketeers and Hershey bars. You know, the good stuff. Stay away from apples and other food that may be "good for you" because that is liable to be thrown back at your house. Not that I would ever do anything like that or even condone it. Ahem.
There are other things about Halloween that need fixing, like the idea that black cats are bad luck. I have a black cat and I am here to tell you that it isn't bad luck. Just the other night she darted in front of me and ran into the door. Absolutely hilarious. Of course, then I stepped on my dog's chew toy, rolled my ankle and darn near fell down the stairs but that was just a mere coincidence.
Another way to improve Halloween is to make it mandatory that everyone dress up. Nothing would be better than seeing that hot secretary come in dressed as Daisy Duke-- wait, skip that. Mandatory dress up might not be a good idea after all. It could cause more problems than I bargained for.
Of course, one rule should be that grown men be forbidden to dress as grown women. Yes, it's funny when the fat guy dresses up like a Playboy bunny, but do we really need to see that? And can you really respect your boss after you've seen his scrawny, hairy legs in a dress? Let me tell you, the answer is no.
Even though it isn't a holiday it is still a day to have fun. So dress up, bob for apples and take plenty of pictures of your boss in his dress and remember, if a guy dressed up as a newspaper columnist carrying a black cat comes to your door -- give him the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.