Every year, my wife and I put on our best clothes and head to our hometown fair. It is a tradition and one I say I'm not going to do again, and then proceed to do it again the following year.
I never can remember why I'm drawn to the fair, or carnival if you choose. As a kid it is a blast. Your parents give you money and you can run free amid the rides, games and every other kind of trouble that goes along with the fair.
But as you get older it loses its allure. I no longer want to ride the rides. Instead of seeing how fast the rides go and how much fun it might be I think of other things. Like, boy the bolts on that ride sure do look rusty and if I'm not buckled in right, I might lose an arm.
Of course, the games aren't as fun either. I don't care if I win my wife a stupid bear because, well, I don't have to impress her anymore. Not to mention I don't want to spend $30 to win some stuffed snake that my dogs will chew up in a matter of minutes. And besides, even if I win my wife a bear or something, she's still going to drag me to those idiotic stores where they make them. I might as well save the $30.
I know you are asking yourself why my wife and I still go to these stupid things. Well, several reasons. I mean look at the variety of people you have at a fair. It's like Wal-Mart on steroids. There are people who haven't seen the outside of the woods since the last fair, mixing with politicians who actually are trying to solicit votes. I'm not sure those two groups of people will ever be in the same place again.
Of course, global warming is another reason to go to the fair. Many of you are thinking I'm an idiot by thinking global warming has anything to do with fairs but bear with me. When I was a kid going to the fair I always had to wear a jacket because there was a chill in the air. Now, it's 80 degrees when the sun goes down.
The warmer temperature leads me to what my wife dubbed, "Slut Night." Yes, there were some interesting outfits at the fair. I haven't seen so much cleavage since, well, I had better not say, but there certainly was a lot of cleavage. There was old cleavage and young cleavage. Fat cleavage and thin cleavage.
Apparently tube tops are the "in" thing now because I saw a lot of them. I was afraid that if one of the ladies moved too suddenly we were going to have a nipplegate on our hands. It must be hard finding men nowadays because some of these women were certainly trying to attract attention. Maybe if they didn't have their children with them they might do better but then again they are trying to impress men at a fair. One even gave me a look but my wife got upset when I pulled out a handful of ones.
If the people don't do it for you, I have to recommend the food. There isn't another place other than the fair that you can walk for hours and still leave having gained five pounds. Who can beat funnel cakes, cotton candy, candied apples and greasy hamburgers. And this fair had something special - fried Twinkies and Oreos. I think I gained five pounds just typing that.
Unfortunately, as good as the food is, you spend the next three days feeling like you ate, well, fair food. I guess it is a problem that can be solved easily. Just eat the fair food and then go ride one of those rides that spin you around. Then you can have your food and harf it up, too.
I forget how much I love the fair and there is another this week right here in Sikeston. I can't wait. Hopefully they have some fried Twinkies and remember ladies, tube tops are "in" this year. Well, I'll see you at at the fair with my dollar bills in hand.