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Sunday, Aug. 28, 2016

Help, I'm caught in the Web

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

I have a love, hate relationship -- with the Internet. I love that 24 hours a day, seven days a week I have any information I am looking for at my fingertips. I can contact friends and even buy items I need without ever getting out of my chair.

But for all the good, there is just as much that makes me want to throw my computer out into the street and run over it with my car until I am out of gas.

The thing that makes my blood pressure rise the most is pop-up ads. The best are the pop-up ads for classmates.com. There is a reason you haven't talked to people since high school and college. It is because you don't like them.

I would like to find a person who created some of these pop-up ads because I have a plan. As they walk down the street I would have someone pop out every couple 100 yards and shove a flier in their face, trying to sell them something like Viagra or some dating service. See how they like it.

Maybe the worst kind of pop-up ads are those that inform you that you have won something. For those of you who are tempted to click on the banner let me give you a hint. YOU DIDN'T WIN. The same goes for those ads who say you will win something for shooting the monkey or answering the question correctly.

You can actually remove some of these pop-up ads by getting rid of ad server software. The only problem is they are hidden within a folder of a folder of a folder and it takes a lot less time to click off of the pop-up ad than spend hours looking for that one file that will remove it.

And while I am griping about time, why do some sites open immediately and others take forever? It isn't that I don't appreciate being able to type in an address and then have the time to mow the grass before the site loads. I am just glad I am no longer on dial-up because now there is time to go to more than four sites a day.

Another peeve of mine is when I go to a Web site I don't need to be greeted by music. There is nothing worse than sitting in the office when all is quiet, going to a Web site and hearing "Little Deuce Coup" blaring from the computer speakers. Everybody turns to look as you frantically search for the volume controls to click on the job-saving mute button (not that I would ever, ever surf the Web at work unless it was work related).

And why do they call it surfing the net? I tried surfing when I was younger and I don't get the similarities. They should call it wandering aimlessly or snooping.

Of all the things I hate about the Internet the one thing I value more than any other is e-mail. There is nothing like being able to send messages to friends all over the country and it gets to them in seconds. But as much as I love it, e-mail can also be a little taxing sifting through all the spam.

Don't get me wrong. I learn a lot from forwarded e-mails like what products are used by atheists and that God only answers prayers if the e-mail is forwarded to seven of my friends in the next 30 minutes.

And I appreciate Sexy Monique sending me an e-mail informing me of the way she can fulfill all of my desires (she must have special powers if she can bring me a beer and sandwich while letting me watch football). And it does wonders for my self-esteem when I get six e-mails a day for ways to increase penis size.

What is great about e-mail is when you accidentally open a wrong file and infect your computer with a virus. There is nothing better than your computer shutting down every 30 seconds and spending the next two days trying to fix it.

Oh well, maybe I should go to my e-mail and see if Sexy Monique has any ideas to help improve my Internet experience.

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