I hate winter. I hate the cold weather, the runny noses, the frozen feet and especially the snow. There is nothing pretty about snow, certainly after it starts melting and is all brown and nasty. But there is one thing about winter that I do enjoy, the ice.
Yes, that's right, I like the ice. Really, what's not to like? The moment the weather report starts mentioning ice, people start freaking out and you can't tell me that's not fun to watch. People gather around the television and start planning their time to head home and automatically start worrying.
Of course, they have a point. Driving on the ice is no picnic. But, you see, ice is a challenge. It is the most evil form of winter weather and with it comes many challenges.
First you have the chore of just making it to your vehicle. Sounds pretty easy to walk from point A to point B, right? Wrong. Just ask my wife. She has slipped and fallen on the ice more times than Britney Spears has been to the hospital. She has had surgery because of falls on the ice as well as doctor's visits.
If you actually make it to your vehicle, there is a new set of challenges. First you have to get into your car and many times with the ice your lock is frozen. Let me warn you by saying pouring scalding hot water into your lock doesn't work. Trust me when I say it won't end well, like your door may never lock again.
When you get into your car you still can't go anywhere because your windshield is coated with a layer of ice six-inches thick. And is it me or does that flimsy, piece of junk ice scraper not even make a dent into that ice? By the time you start to make progress your feet are frozen, hands hurt and arms are starting to ache.
When you are done you feel like you've run a marathon with your arms. That is when you look back across to the other side and see that you have to start all over again because it has another film of ice on it.
The real fun starts when you get behind the wheel. If you drive slow you shouldn't have any problems with the ice. But we all know that idiots come out in droves when the ice hits the road. Apparently people are auditioning for the next "Ice Truckers" show.
For those of you who aren't familiar with "Ice Truckers" it is a show about a bunch of egomaniacal truck drivers who drive their huge "loads" across a frozen lake in the North Pole or some cold weather place like that. It is actually a good show, especially when these macho truck drivers are trying to act all cool when they are scared to death.
Anyway, these "Ice Trucker" wannabes get out on the road and just act like the road is normal and tailgate those who are going slow like you are taught. Most people don't pass in this type of weather, but not the ITWs. They've got to be macho and try to appear that the road conditions don't impact them.
If you are lucky enough to make it home, or to wherever you are going, you can then turn on the television and watch the brilliant local news who have 30 minutes of nothing but telling you it is slick outside. They tell you it's slick, they talk to people who tell you it's slick, they have police tell you it's slick and the weathermen tell you it's slick. After a while, you might start thinking it's slick.
Unfortunately, some people see the news report and still don't realize it's slick. If you don't believe me, just come to the newspaper office and listen to all of the irate callers because they didn't get their paper. I'm glad people want to read what I have to say, but keep in mind we don't have "Ice Truckers" delivering our papers.
So instead of looking at ice as a problem, just look at it as a challenge. You get a good workout and who knows, maybe you'll be like me and tryout for the next season of "Ice Truckers." If I can just get out of this stupid ditch, who knows, maybe I'll make it.