I was up late the other night looking for something on television when I came across the Winter Olympics. Now, I'm not hip on a lot of winter sports but I consider myself an American so I decided to stop and watch and see what the 2006 games had to offer.
The announcer said the event was curling so I was half expecting a man on ice skates picking up a bar of heavy weights while trying to keep his balance. But I was mistaken.
What I saw was a game played with a broom. Yes, a broom. Apparently the object of the game is to slide big, shiny stones down the ice while your teammates sweep the ice with brooms to create friction and help the stone glide toward its target. Sound fun? Well, it isn't. As a matter of fact, I would rather watch "Bridges of Madison County" on a continuous loop than watch curling, a "sport" that makes baseball and golf seem like non-stop action.
After a couple of minutes I couldn't take any more and I turned the channel. Sure enough there were more Winter Olympics. This time it was pairs figure skating with a man and woman skating. The women looked graceful in their skimpy outfits doing little jumps and such and then there were the "men."
Now, I consider myself a modern man, but does every outfit a male skater wears have to be made of spandex and sequins? They want to be taken seriously but with the way they dress they look like a mix of Rock Hudson and Elton John. I don't see why they can't just skate in a sweat shirt and blue jeans.
Anyway, I swallowed my pride and watched for about 30 seconds, hoping to see one of these fruits fall on their face. Instead, they showed them gracefully jumping and spinning in the air like a little happy school girl and I turned the television off.
All in all, the Olympics will run for 17 days on NBC and three other cable networks and in all there will be 416 hours of total programming. Of those 416, most Americans are interested in about four or five. There is a reason you only see the events that make up the Winter Olympics once every four years. Because nobody cares.
But never fear because I, your humble columnist, have an idea for a few new events which might attract some viewers and spice up the boring norm that has become the Winter Olympics.
First, there needs to be Olympic snow peeing. I know it sounds a bit crass, but you know you would tune in. How great would it be to hear an announcer say, "Now the USA's Johnny 'Whiz' Davis will try to win the gold medal in the Olympic Freestyle Peeing contest with his attempt of drawing the Mona Lisa? Or how about watching Paul 'Puddles' Piatkowski try a record-breaking attempt in the 20M speed snow peeing event?
I know people would tune into Olympic snow angel making. It could be judged like a figure skating competition, complete with the buyout of the French judges. You could even have a pairs competition with the man and woman combining to make two beautiful snow angels, of course wearing spandex and sequins.
Let's not forget the Olympic snowball fight. Who wouldn't tune into the first round match-up of the USA versus France? I can't think of anything better than plastering a bunch of Frenchmen with snowballs.
The Olympics could end with the snowman competition where a group of four have 30 minutes to build the best snowman.
All in all these events aren't very exciting but they are still more entertaining than what currently makes up the Winter Olympics. I don't know about you, but I'm going to go and practice for that Olympic snow peeing event. Maybe you'll be hearing about David "The Hose" Jenkins in 2010.