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Here's my guide for Hollywood

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Well, I am on vacation this week, but the "powers to be" wanted to make sure I had a column for when I was gone so my two fans wouldn't call in to Speakout. And, of course, I would do anything for mom and dad.

Now many people might spend their vacation on the beach or traveling, but not me. Oh no. Me, I am trying to start a new business. And not just any business. A lucrative business that will make me enough money that I can retire in weeks.

My business venture is very important to society. I am going to call my company Idiot Prevention Inc. and our first product will be a "Hollywood Driving Guide." Because really, I can't think of anything that needs our attention more than egomaniacs. Every time I turn on the television all I see is one celebrity after another in trouble.

Let me recap a few of the recent highlights. First Mel Gibson is pulled over doing 87 mph while drinking tequila. Then he goes on an anti-Semitic rant, blaming all the Jews for the world's wars before he's taken to jail. Lindsay Lohan, six weeks shy of 21, is arrested on suspicion of DUI after crashing her Mercedes-Benz before she goes to rehab.

Nicole Richie is charged with DUI after the California Highway Patrol found her SUV parked in a freeway car pool lane with her in it. And, of course, let us not forget the all-popular Paris Hilton, whose driving escapades have been played to death on CNN and every other "news" organization in the country.

And these are just a few of the celebrities who have been charged with drunken driving. Apparently the cool thing to do now is drive drunk, get in legal trouble and have your face plastered all over the news. Granted it is a career-boost for most of these stars, but it isn't exactly safe.

That is where my "Hollywood Driving Guide" comes in. The first disc of the three-disc set explains why driving drunk can be dangerous. It explains to them that while they can up their status with a drunk driving charge they can also kill people, including themselves. Certainly the thought of killing themselves should wake them up. It is tough to get on the cover of that tabloid when you are dead, well, unless you're Elvis.

With Hilton's recent freaking out after having to spend a few weeks in jail, I will have an example of how money can't always get you out of trouble. The shots of Hilton bawling and babbling incoherently when forced to go back to jail will be riveting in my "This Could Be You," segment of the disc.

The second disc in the set explains to them that for some reason, they have been blessed with fame and money, and with fame and money come special perks. One of those perks is being able to afford a driver. I know it is a simple concept but young people in Hollywood must not like people driving them around. Certainly these young prima donnas have someone in their entourage who could stay sober to take them to the next club. If I was famous I would have a limo take me everywhere, including down to the store to buy bread.

But I guess if celebrities use a limo or a car service they can't be photographed with their hot new car. Plus, they may not have an opportunity to take those wonderful mug shot photos that will be plastered in nearly every newspaper across the country. I guess it goes back to the old saying, "Any publicity is good publicity."

The third disc in the set is a bonus disc that will teach our egomaniacs that you don't have to be an alcoholic and drug addict to become famous. Granted, it apparently helps, but it isn't a requirement. As a matter of fact it's cliché. It is better to not be a drunk and drug addict because then it makes you unique and something that could be capitalized on. Yes, they would have to miss out on all the posh rehab clinics but think of all the meaningless sex they could have with other sober celebrities. Surely that would get them their much needed attention.

And folks, I am going to offer all this for three easy payments of $29.95. It is sure to be a hit and before you know it, I might find myself in Hollywood, driving around in my limo. Ahh, another vacation well spent.



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