I have been married for almost nine
years and it is beginning to feel like
I am losing all control in my marriage.
The funny thing is my wife is so
sly, I didn't even see it happening.
She started out with the small things
like having me hold her bags while we
were shopping. Then she started having
me help pull weeds in our rock garden
(because that is all she can grow). Before
I knew it, I was put on an allowance.
That's right. I have to ask my wife for
money just so I can get something out of a
vending machine that day for lunch.
But I didn't realize how much control I
had lost until a recent shopping expedition.
My wife told me on the way to the
mall that she needed to buy a teddy bear. I
know that many of you are asking yourselves
why my wife needed a teddy bear
and so was I. However, to answer that
question I must explain to you that mentally
my wife can act like a 4-year-old.
You see, she needs a stupid teddy bear to
sleep. The woman cannot get a moments
sleep unless she is holding a stupid teddy
bear. It is a good thing she didn't get
attached to a "blanky" as a child or she
wouldn't be able to walk out of the house
without one of those.
Anyway, our dog decided that she liked
my wife's old teddy bear so much that she
removed nearly all the stuffing from the
bear's insides. Of course I thought it was
funny until my wife said she needed a new
Of course I am thinking that we are going
to go to any old store that has teddy bears,
pick one out and take it to the counter. Oh
no. My wife wants to go to some store
where they actually make your bear.
So we walk in this store and there are
about a hundred different type of bears to
choose from, all without stuffing. My wife
picks one up after the other, testing the
bears' softness, size and apparently its
ability to withstand our dogs. Meanwhile
a little voice in my head is screaming "just
pick one and go!"
Finally, four hours later, my wife chooses
her new teddy bear and takes it to the
girl behind the counter. Of course since
there is no stuffing, the girl takes my wife
over to this cotton candy-making machine
where my wife pumps the motor to fill her
special little bear. I was now looking at all
the bear carcasses for people to buy, hoping
that nobody would see me.
After they got the bear to its proper
fluffiness, I thought we were done. Oh no.
My wife had to take a heart, hold it up
over her head and spin around in a circle
while she made a wish. This is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever seen. It is a
stupid teddy bear. Do you think that in the
middle of the night the bear is going to
wake up, blink its little button eyes and
turn me into Matthew McConaughey? At
this point I wanted to stick my head in the
cotton candy-making machine and let it go
I thought that certainly that had to be it.
We would pay for the stinking bear and
get out of the silly store. Oh no. Next I had
to help my wife pick out clothes for the
stupid bear. You know, because you can't
have a bear outside of the store without
any clothes. What would all of the people
think if you had a naked teddy bear?
So after discussing the two million different
options of attire for this idiotic bear
we were finally ready to pay for it and
then go, right? Oh no. Now she had to
name this stupid bear and fill out a birth
certificate. But I guess I understand that,
because heaven forbid it not be able to get
a job because it doesn't have a stupid birth
With this I could take no more and left
the store and walked directly to the sporting
goods store because I had to get some
of my manliness back. Unfortunately
though the damage was already done and
I had realized I had no more control.
That's okay though, I can still open up the
back of little P.J. and replace that heart
with a dog biscuit. Then we'll see how
long P.J. lasts.