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Sunday, Aug. 28, 2016

Marriage can be hard to bear

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I have been married for almost nine

years and it is beginning to feel like

I am losing all control in my marriage.

The funny thing is my wife is so

sly, I didn't even see it happening.

She started out with the small things

like having me hold her bags while we

were shopping. Then she started having

me help pull weeds in our rock garden

(because that is all she can grow). Before

I knew it, I was put on an allowance.

That's right. I have to ask my wife for

money just so I can get something out of a

vending machine that day for lunch.

But I didn't realize how much control I

had lost until a recent shopping expedition.

My wife told me on the way to the

mall that she needed to buy a teddy bear. I

know that many of you are asking yourselves

why my wife needed a teddy bear

and so was I. However, to answer that

question I must explain to you that mentally

my wife can act like a 4-year-old.

You see, she needs a stupid teddy bear to

sleep. The woman cannot get a moments

sleep unless she is holding a stupid teddy

bear. It is a good thing she didn't get

attached to a "blanky" as a child or she

wouldn't be able to walk out of the house

without one of those.

Anyway, our dog decided that she liked

my wife's old teddy bear so much that she

removed nearly all the stuffing from the

bear's insides. Of course I thought it was

funny until my wife said she needed a new


Of course I am thinking that we are going

to go to any old store that has teddy bears,

pick one out and take it to the counter. Oh

no. My wife wants to go to some store

where they actually make your bear.

So we walk in this store and there are

about a hundred different type of bears to

choose from, all without stuffing. My wife

picks one up after the other, testing the

bears' softness, size and apparently its

ability to withstand our dogs. Meanwhile

a little voice in my head is screaming "just

pick one and go!"

Finally, four hours later, my wife chooses

her new teddy bear and takes it to the

girl behind the counter. Of course since

there is no stuffing, the girl takes my wife

over to this cotton candy-making machine

where my wife pumps the motor to fill her

special little bear. I was now looking at all

the bear carcasses for people to buy, hoping

that nobody would see me.

After they got the bear to its proper

fluffiness, I thought we were done. Oh no.

My wife had to take a heart, hold it up

over her head and spin around in a circle

while she made a wish. This is the most

ridiculous thing I have ever seen. It is a

stupid teddy bear. Do you think that in the

middle of the night the bear is going to

wake up, blink its little button eyes and

turn me into Matthew McConaughey? At

this point I wanted to stick my head in the

cotton candy-making machine and let it go

to work.

I thought that certainly that had to be it.

We would pay for the stinking bear and

get out of the silly store. Oh no. Next I had

to help my wife pick out clothes for the

stupid bear. You know, because you can't

have a bear outside of the store without

any clothes. What would all of the people

think if you had a naked teddy bear?

So after discussing the two million different

options of attire for this idiotic bear

we were finally ready to pay for it and

then go, right? Oh no. Now she had to

name this stupid bear and fill out a birth

certificate. But I guess I understand that,

because heaven forbid it not be able to get

a job because it doesn't have a stupid birth


With this I could take no more and left

the store and walked directly to the sporting

goods store because I had to get some

of my manliness back. Unfortunately

though the damage was already done and

I had realized I had no more control.

That's okay though, I can still open up the

back of little P.J. and replace that heart

with a dog biscuit. Then we'll see how

long P.J. lasts.

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