I am on a diet. No, I don't think I'm fat and I'm not too concerned about shedding a few pounds but unfortunately I can no longer eat home-cooked meals anymore.
You see, my wife is on a diet, again. Now the first thing that should be said is that she is not fat (let's hope that earns me some bonus points) but she is wanting to lose a few pounds. She is always on some sort of diet. Her diet of choice now is the Atkins Diet.
This is her second-go with the Atkins Diet and I will admit the first time she lost quite a bit of weight. I would tell you how much but then my next column would be about my wife putting me in the hospital by knocking me upside the head with a frying pan.
For those of you who are not familiar with the Atkins Diet it is fairly simple. You eat a diet high in fat and protein and low in carbohydrates. Basically, you can load up on meats and cheeses, instead of breads, pastas and even fruits and vegetables. So my wife can eat a pound of bacon a day, yet she can't have a slice of bread. Sound crazy? I agree.
Unfortunately, millions of people have tried this diet. And many, including my wife, have lost weight while clogging their arteries. And that works out great because I want my wife as light as possible when I have to carry her into the emergency room after she has her heart attack.
But what bugs me even more than the diet is the crazy things my wife now cooks. Take for example the other day when my wife was making breakfast. The house smelled of sausage and eggs and my wife was standing over the stove cooking something that looked like a pancake. I asked her what it was and she said, "french toast."
Automatically that raised an alarm. As I wrote earlier, if you are on the Atkins Diet you can't have bread and the last time I checked french toast falls under the category of bread.
So I questioned her and she told me that it was french toast made of pork rinds. PORK RINDS!!! I asked her if she was practicing for "Fear Factor" but she told me that it tasted "awesome." Apparently the Atkins Diet will not only cause you to have a heart attack before the age of 30 but will also cause you to be delusional.
But it doesn't stop there. It seems pork rinds are no longer just for camping trips anymore. They are also acceptable to be used as breading on things like chicken and pork chops. For some reason that just is disgusting to me.
My wife also went on to inform me that she had other "recipes" for things like mashed potatoes. I know you are wondering what could you possibly make mashed potatoes from that doesn't have carbohydrates? Well, believe it or not, cauliflower. Yep, cauliflower.
Now cauliflower is fine on a salad, but I don't want to eat it as mashed potatoes like my crazy wife apparently does. I doubt very seriously that Mr. Food will be showing you how to make cauliflower mashed potatoes, but then again, what do I know?
Well, I can tell you. I know that unless I cook it, I'm not eating it at my house anymore. I have to or the next thing I know my wife will be serving me is hash browns made from cabbage, meat loaf made out of spinach or pasta made from shoe laces. Ughhh! Does anybody want to set an extra place at the dinner table for me?