This language is really foreign

I have been married for 3,119 days (at least that is how many notches I have scratched on my wall) and during that time I have learned some valuable things. One is never to write about your wife in the newspaper without her permission and that women speak an entirely different language than men.

I once read that women use about 7,000 words per day while men only use about 2,000. I certainly believe that. My wife says it is because women have to repeat everything to men but I think it is because in Crazy (that is what I call the language of women) more words are used to get to the point.

For example, when my wife and her friend attempt to talk about a certain movie it isn't "Hey, have you seen 'The Departed?'" Instead it is "Have you seen that one movie with that one guy who is in that other movie?" And then the reply of "Oh yeah, that one guy who was in the movie with the big ship that sinks." Of course, this goes on for 30 minutes with both women knowing what the other is talking about while we men are bored with the conversation in about 30 seconds.

I used to think it is just my wife who speaks Crazy but it is all women. As a matter of fact just the other day I made the exact same statement at the office and one of the women replied, "Well, men do the same when they talk about sports. You know when they talk about their sports stuff to each other." About this time the other woman in the office piped in, "Yeah, when they talk about their sports stuff." You see, women speak Crazy.

But I have further proof. Have you ever seen a group of women talking together? Every one of the women can be talking at the same time about something totally different at a pace men couldn't follow if it was in slow motion. But then every woman can tell you what every other woman said in the group.

Meanwhile you get a group of men together and it is one person speaking at a time with very little idle chit chat. If someone was to say "Did you see the Braves have the best record in baseball?" I would respond, "Yep, thought they would be good this year." End of conversation.

And Crazy vocabulary is different than the English language. Case in point. If someone asks me or any other man what is wrong and I say "nothing," guess what: Nothing is wrong. However if a woman says "nothing" you had better believe it is something.

If a woman ends a conversation with "fine," then obviously everything isn't fine. Basically "fine" in Crazy means the woman is right and the man had better shut up before "nothing" happens.

But there is more. If my wife says "we need" she really means that she wants something.

The real kickers in Crazy though are when women say "go ahead" or "do what you want." Now in English that means everything is OK and whatever you are wanting to do is fine. But in Crazy it means if you do it I will be mad and will make you pay for it the rest of your life.

But, fortunately for me, I am starting to understand Crazy. Just like when I asked my wife if it was OK to run this column she said if you do you will regret it. Well, in Crazy that means, "I think that would be great." It sure is a good thing I understand women.