Once again it's the Christmas season and I am ecstatic. No really. You see every year I am called Scrooge by co-workers, family and strangers on the street. But not this year.
I have a new way of thinking this year. Instead of being miserable this year, I have vowed to enjoy the holidays like everyone else. This year I want to be Mr. Christmas, not Mr. Scrooge.
First comes the alcohol. Yes, I think I am going to need alcohol to complete this mission, but not just any alcohol. You see it is the Christmas season so only eggnog will do. I must admit I have never had the foamy, milky substance myself. I'm a big fan of rum, but mixing it with it with egg yolks and sugar never sounded like a good plan. But if it's the drink of the season, pour me five.
Once I have the alcohol in my system I will be ready to begin my Mr. Christmas transformation and nothing says Christmas like Christmas songs. But you won't hear me whistling "Jingle Bells" or "Deck the Halls." No, I want songs that really set the mood of Christmas. You know, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and Bob Evans' album "Twisted Christmas," because if "The Twelve Pains of Christmas" doesn't put you in the holiday spirit, nothing will.
When I'm not listening to music, I'm going to have to stay in the mood by watching Christmas movies. And not just any movies, good ones. There won't be any "Miracle on 34th Street" or "It's a Wonderful Life." I will be watching "A Christmas Story," "Christmas Vacation" and "Bad Santa" on a continuous loop between now and Christmas. I tell you I still get misty-eyed when Ralphie pulls that official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB rifle with a compass in the stock out from behind the desk. If that doesn't reek of Christmas I don't know what does.
Maybe I'll even get to watch the movies on television so I can carefully watch all of the advertisements. You know, the ones that try to entice you with their 40 percent off sales, when they've marked everything up 50 percent. It really is in the Christmas spirit for stores to have sales isn't it?
That is why this year I am going to experience shopping the way it was supposed to be done. No more sitting at home, carefully ordering gifts on the Internet while sitting in the comfort of my own home. No, this year I am heading out to the stores and not after midnight either. No, I am going to the stores on the Saturday before Christmas, because that, of course, is the biggest shopping day of the season. And, just like everyone else, I am going to push, shove and fight through every aisle. I may even borrow a child so I can take him to the toy section with all of the other crying kids yelling "I want Barbie" or "I want that truck."
And when it is time to check out I will take my 47 items to the 10 items or less lane, because apparently that sign is just for decoration. And while the people behind me are glaring I will be singing "Wreck the Malls" with a smile on my face.
I don't know about you but I feel like Mr. Christmas already. Maybe in one of my next columns, I will even share with you my letter to Santa.