I started my car the other day and I heard "Frosty, the Snowman." Now there are a few things you normally won't hear when you are in my car. Somebody talking fast while rhyming their words, somebody moaning their words while playing a banjo and "Frosty, the Freakin' Snowman."

Keep in mind, I am not completely anti-Christmas music. There are some songs that I can listen to and not feel like vomiting. Take for instance "Silent Night." I hear that song and I start thinking how nice it would be to have a night with nobody calling me on my cell phone, no basketball games to cover, no work to do. It's a great song. And who doesn't love "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree?" But for every great Christmas song, there are about a 10 Christmas songs that need to disappear, besides "Frosty." Let me give you a few examples.

First, "The Little Drummer Boy." When I was a kid I used to like this tune but now, when I actually listen to the words, I think it needs to go away. I mean really, what mother is going to let a little boy play a drum for her newborn baby? Isn't it hard enough to get babies to go to sleep anyway, let alone have some poor boy banging on a drum? No wonder Jesus grew up to have long hair and beard if Mary let him listen to a drummer when he was just a few days old.

Another song that has to go is "The 12 Days of Christmas." Could the song be any longer? When the song comes on the radio I can take a two-hour nap, turn the radio back on and the song is still playing. And really, who wants a partridge in a pear tree? Sure, give me the five golden rings and the nine ladies dancing but you can keep the geese 'a laying.

Another one that has to go is "White Christmas." Yes, I hate snow but that has no bearing with regards to this song. And yes, snow is pretty and really sets off the holiday nicely. But Christmas-time is one of the busiest travel holidays and all we need is a bunch of snow to screw things up. Snow on Christmas means more accidents and more people away from their families on Christmas. Not to mention fewer presents under the tree.

Then there is "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." Yes, the song was funny 20 years ago, but hasn't Grandma suffered enough? I mean really, isn't it bad enough to be run over by a fictitious flying creature, but then have a song made about it that is played over and over? Of course, her family doesn't care, all they are worried about is whether to open her gifts or take them back. They should rewrite the song where they open the gifts and sell them on eBay. At least update it a little bit.

And is it me or is "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" a bit creepy. How great is it knowing that Santa is watching your every move, even when you're sleeping. And what happens if you've been "naughty?" Me, I would hope that a big, fat man who likes kids to sit on his lap wouldn't want to give me a present if I had been "naughty."

But the one song that has to go is "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." This song is wrong on so many levels I don't know where to begin. I mean first, who knew Santa was such a player and for that matter, who knew Mommy was such a slut? I mean the scene screws the kid up so much he has to write a song about it and revels in the fact his mother was tickling Santa underneath his "beard." In reality, this boy would be telling his therapist about how disgusting it was spying on his mother and he was dismayed when he saw his mother tickling the fat man that was not his father.

And once we get rid of those songs then maybe I can listen to music in my car and not want to scream. Of course, when I do then I just sound like Madonna singing "Santa Baby." Please Christmas, get here soon.