Yee hawww! The Sikeston Jaycee Bootheel Rodeo has arrived and I couldn't be more excited. I don't know about anyone else, but to me going to the rodeo is like a trip to the dentist or to the proctologist.
As much as I hate the rodeo though, I also know how important it is to the Jaycees and the city of Sikeston, so I thought instead of bashing the rodeo I would give those who attend a few tips to help their experience.
First, when going to the rodeo you have to choose your clothing wisely because as we know appearance is everything. In order to go to the rodeo you have to look like a dimestore cowboy.
In my younger years I tried the cowboy look, complete with oddly colored button-up western shirt, Wranglers and cowboy boots. I looked as out of place as a surfer wearing a shirt-and-tie, much like 90 percent of the people who dress up for the rodeo.
I wouldn't have fit in at the rodeo though because I was missing one key part of the outfit: the cowboy hat. I don't quite understand the lure of the cowboy hat. It is a necessity for actual cowboys who use it to fan fires, whip a horse and can serve as an umbrella and sunscreen when they are out on the range. But necessity is the only reason a cowboy hat should be worn.
Now before you get dressed for your night out at the rodeo, make sure you bathe. Now when I say bathe, I don't mean in water to make yourself smell good and fruity. No, I mean go and buy the biggest cans of Off! you can find, empty them into the bathtub and soak for at least 30 minutes. This won't keep the mosquitoes completely away but it might leave you enough blood in your body to make it home after the rodeo.
Once you are at the rodeo and you walk the two miles to the gate you are sure to be thirsty. In order to make the night more bearable I recommend beer. To find the beer stands turn your head just slightly to the left or to the right. If you don't see a beer stand then you are still out in the parking lot and haven't made it into the arena yet.
After you've quenched your thirst and walked around making fun of all of the other dimestore cowboys, you have to take your seat and watch some of the rodeo action. Me, I root for the animals, because when those little calves get roped it sure looks like it hurts. I wish they would spice the calf roping up a bit. I suggest that instead of roping the defenseless little calves, the cowboys should rope bulls. Now I would pay a lot of money to see the cowboys try to tie a bull's feet together. That might even get more play on ESPN than poker.
Of course, the finale of the evening is the entertainment. I suggest using the time it takes the Jaycees to set up the stage wisely. This is when you go to the bathroom after all those tasty beverages. But as we all know if you turn your head slightly to the left or right you will find a beer vendor but bathrooms aren't so easy to find. Once you find a bathroom, don't get out of line. Yes, you may miss the first few songs but that is better than messing up those goofy looking Wranglers.
Once you get back the entertainment will have started. By now the smell of your sweaty body mixed with the smell of your Off! should be attracting the mosquitoes with great force so it is imperative that you wave your arms and scream. This will also let the entertainers know that you like them.
So if you use these tips wisely you will have a great rodeo experience. Me, I think I will stick to watching poker in the nice air conditioning of my home, unless Terri Clark needs a bodyguard.