The Christmas cards have been sent and the decorations are in the process of being put up, but something seemed to be missing in my transformation into Mr. Christmas. Then I remembered Santa Claus so I decided to share my letter to the jolly fat man that enjoys breaking into houses at Christmas.
I am sure you are surprised to be getting a letter from me this year after our little run-in several years ago. Sorry for calling you all those mean, nasty names and insulting your relationship with your reindeer. It's just that I really wanted that new bike for Christmas, not some stupid shirts. Where is it written that if you are over 20 you can't have a bicycle?
Anyway, I apologize and don't worry about what I said. I won't be waiting for you with a shotgun and I won't turn your reindeer into a nice Christmas stew.
As I'm sure you know I have been very good this year. Only on a few occasions have I made fun of others and it was all in fun. I have tried to quit complaining and I only lie when I am trying to get something. I have even been helping the elderly across the street and there is nothing I wouldn't do for humanity.
To show you how I have transformed into Mr. Christmas, I will only ask for gifts for others who are much needier this Christmas.
First, bring Michael Richards (aka Kramer of "Seinfeld") a "Roots" DVD box set. Maybe if he watches it over and over on a loop he might be a little more racially sensitive. Then again after watching that rant, maybe not. While you're at it, maybe you should bring Mel Gibson a "Schindler's List" DVD. I don't think he's seen it.
Next help Paris Hilton get a real job. I find it hard to believe that people actually look up to her when her only claim to fame is being in a sex tape. Maybe a real job would help her actually get a clue to how stupid and worthless she actually is.
While we are on stupid celebrities, please bring Britney Spears some underwear. I'm sure everybody is glad she is rid of her worthless husband, but it is probably not the best way to show how good of a mom you are when you go out in public and are photographed repeatedly flashing your woman-
And Santa, please bring Kate Bosworth, Nicole Richie and the Olsen twins a big, fat, juicy triple-decker hamburger with everything. I find it very disturbing that my cat weighs more than these celebrities.
Closer to home, please bring Albert Pujols some cheese to go with his whine. Apparently Mr. Cardinal isn't happy about not getting the MVP award. I guess a World Series Championship isn't good enough for him.
Last but not least, please bring my wife that CSI kit they are selling at toy stores. Maybe with that she can find out which dog got into her Boyd Bear collection.
Anyway, I hope you like the tofu and water I will leave out for you because when you're fat you need to watch your cholesterol. And remember, if you don't bring me a 52-inch flat panel TV with high definition capabilities and surround sound, Rudolph will make a great reindeer stew.
Merry Christmas Mr. Christmas