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Thursday, Aug. 25, 2016

Getting ready for a new year

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Thankfully Christmas has come and gone and once again we have survived. All in all it wasn't a bad Christmas, even though Santa once again screwed me and failed to bring me my big screen television although that package of coffee-flavored gum he left in my stocking really hit the spot. Thanks fat man.

Anyway, the best thing about Christmas is it is followed by the greatest holiday of all time: New Year's. I know what you're thinking, he just likes getting sloppy drunk and kissing everybody in the room at the stroke of midnight. And while I have been known to partake in an alcoholic beverage or two on New Year's Eve, the reason I like the holiday is the silly superstitions.

Many people believe that since Jan. 1 is the first day of the new year, that we draw a connection between what we do that day and our fate for the rest of the year, hence the superstitions.

One of my favorite is the kissing of those dearest to us at midnight. Failure to smooch my wife at midnight would mean a year of coldness between us. Believe me when I tell you that not kissing your significant other at the stroke of midnight can turn things extremely cold, especially if you misinterpret the superstition to those nearest us instead of dearest to us.

That goes hand-in-hand with another superstition of making as much noise as possible at midnight to scare off evil spirits. Believe me if you kiss the wrong person it will be cold but there will be no evil spirits within a 10-mile radius.

Another stupid superstition is that the first person to enter your home after the stroke of midnight will influence the year you're about to have. Apparently the ideal person should be dark-haired, tall and good-looking and bearing a small gift. Keep in mind I am available for the right price. However, what I find funny is that female first footers are known to bring disaster to the household. Before the women start calling in to Speak Out remember that I didn't come up with these traditions.

Another tradition is the eating of black-eyed peas on New Year's Day. Supposedly eating these nasty-tasting, button-look-a-like beans will bring both good luck and money. Maybe that explains why I never have either. Maybe if I ate a regular pea I could just get the money? I mean they are both green.

The most common superstition though is the making of resolutions. This is my favorite part. I love hearing Jane Widebody say she is going to start working out every day to lose her "holiday weight" and then see her two days later filling her face with cupcakes left over from the holidays. Then there is Joe Tobaccobreath who promises to quit smoking but an hour later is outside smoking where nobody can see.

Me, I made a resolution once. Only it was to never make another New Year's resolution again. So far, so good.

In all seriousness though, please have a safe and happy New Year's and don't drive if you have had too much to drink. And remember, I am available to walk through your door first, at least for the right price.

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