Why is it when you go on vacation, or staycation in my case, you always come back more tired than when you left? For me, I know why and I am going to blame everything on television.
You see, my staycation was filled with reading, playing softball and watching plenty of television. But unfortunately most of my television viewing took place late at night where I was bombarded by awful TV commercials. If you have ever stayed up late to watch television you know what I am talking about.
The absolute worst commercial is for ExtenZe. As the actors say, it is to help enlarge "that certain part of the male body." The commercial confuses me because they continue to say "for that certain part of the male body" through the whole commercial. I have a lot of parts to my body. Is it for making my muscles bigger or my toes?
It is funny that they never say the word "penis." Maybe they are afraid when people find out it doesn't work they will be sued. Or maybe the actors just aren't that smart. The girl who is in the commercial appears to either be painfully constipated or trying to sound like she knows how to read.
But there is plenty of bad acting on late-night television. For example, take "Smiling Bob" on the Enzyte commercials. Apparently if you take the Enzyte drug your "certain part of the male body" gets bigger and you have the smile of a horse with no lips. The commercial is so misleading too. "Smiling Bob" walks into the room with that idiotic smile and the women are all over him. When I tried it, I was shorted as the women looked at me like I was a fool.
Speaking of fools, how about those match-maker commercials? Is there a bigger way to tell the world you are a loser than to get on these commercials and tell people that in six months you didn't have one match on eharmony or whatever Web site it is? Thousands of people get on those sites and not one thought the guy looked dateable. Maybe instead of broadcasting to the world he's a loser the guy should go on a diet, start exercising and get some hair growing product. That is easy to find because it is on the commercial following his.
Apparently, every television show I watch is geared toward men because all the ads target losers with low self-esteem. Really, just because I'm up late doesn't mean I'm in need of enlargement "of that certain part of the male body" or that I have erectile disfunction but those are all the ads I see.
I never knew erectile disfunction was such a water cooler topic among friends. I have never heard one person talk about it and you can believe if I ever did have erectile disfunction, I sure wouldn't be telling my friends while we are sitting around playing the guitar. And you can bet I wouldn't sing a song about the great drug that cured it either.
Unfortunately the awful commercials aren't limited to "that certain part of the male body" either. I saw a local car commercial the other day that went something like this: High gas prices getting you down? Need a change? We have 2008 BMWs, Jaguars, Porsches, big monster trucks or any other kind of gas guzzler you can imagine. Oh yeah, well gas prices are getting me down and I am looking for a change. Only I'm looking for a Flintstone car or Delorean like in "Back to the Future." You know, things that don't use gas.
Who is writing these commercials anyway? Why are the quality commercial writers limited to beer companies? Maybe they should hire a sarcastic columnist from the Midwest. I would do it too, right after I get finished watching this "Girls Gone Wild" commercial.