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Monday, Sep. 1, 2014

It's my castle but pets rule

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

One of these days I will learn to stop checking the mail. No, I didn't come across another enormous Victoria's Secret bill. This time I came across an enormous vet bill.

All I was doing was looking for my Sporting News magazine and there is this envelope from the vet with my wife's name on it. I know I shouldn't have opened it but having my name on an envelope has never once stopped my wife from ripping it open so I thought what the heck. Besides, maybe it was a letter informing us that our animals are so cute they are wanted for a commercial that would pay us millions of dollars.

Instead, I saw numbers that I wouldn't even have enough Monopoly money for. Apparently, we are paying off all of the vet's student loans, house, car and helicopter. Who knew animals could be so expensive?

Of course, after coming to from my high blood pressure induced coma, my dogs gave me their pitiful, sad looking faces and I realized something. Maybe if I don't pay the bill, the vet will repossess the animals. My wife tells me no.

This is something I should have seen coming. My animals go to the vet more than I go to work and must be the most sickly animals of all time. Of course, most of that is because if they get a sniffle my wife calls the vet, which in turn means a trip to the vet, which means money evaporating from our bank account. From one dog's allergies to the others problems with his little boy-dog part to my cats' mystery ailment of the week, it is never ending.

My wife says they are the children we don't have. Me, if I had a child that peed in the floor and chewed up a pair of shorts, I think I would put them up for adoption.

Unfortunately, the money doesn't stop at just the vet bills. There is the special food and treats, not to mention the collars, leashes and high blood pressure medicine (that's for me). We can't even give our animals tap water because of a kidney problem our cat has. Instead we had to buy a water filter and use that and bottled water. The same animals who a year ago thought drinking out of the toilet was a treat, now turn up their nose at the sight of putting tap water into their bowl.

They even have animal insurance now if you can believe that and, of course, we have some of it. My wife tells me that if the dogs are injured in a car accident, their medical bills will be paid for. I didn't even know they could drive. If I'm injured in an accident I wouldn't even get put into an ambulance without a down payment. Nice insurance.

At least our animals earn their keep. Our dogs protect the house, sleeping with one eye open at all times looking for anything that moves. If the doorbell rings on television or a door slams outside, our dogs jump into action with barks loud enough to wake the neighbors. If someone walks into the house unannounced, they bark and bark, while hiding in the bedroom. Brave creatures.

While you will never see a "beware of cat" sign, if you come into our house the cats will hide and then for the next several days take it out on us. Of course, you would be the same way if somebody intruded and took away your masseuse for a few hours. And that is all we as cat owners are, personal masseuses. No, our cats earn their keep by helping us keep the house clean. They will invariably hock up a furball and then we will have to clean the carpet. So goes the process.

My wife says that having the animals gives us something to have fun with around the house. I guess she is right. One dog loves to play fetch so I decided to do an experiment. I thought it would be neat to see how many times he would bring me a ball to play fetch with before getting tired. I'm having rotator cuff surgery next week.

My cats like to play "hide-and-seek" so my wife and I bought this three-level cat "apartment" for them to play in. They ignore it but are constantly playing in a box they discovered. I tried to throw the box out with the trash the other day and now have slash marks on my legs. My cats don't even have claws.

My wife says I just like to complain and that I spoil the animals more than anyone. Of course, as I write this one of my dogs is under the covers on my bed with his head on a pillow, snoring. You know, I think I listen to my wife way too much. Next time, I get a goldfish and I let them repossess my wife.



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