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Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2016

I've no thirst for adventure

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It was a nice Saturday night. The house was quiet as my wife and dogs were snuggled in their bed while I was left to enjoy the quiet with my television remote in one hand and a nice, cold frosty beer in my other.

I know it doesn't sound like much fun, newspaper columnist drinking alone on a Saturday night, but after what I had read earlier in the day, it seemed like a safer solution.

First, I came across a story from Alaska where a motorist was pulled over by a state trooper and was shocked when the officer told him the car was stolen.

The man was adamant that the Chevy Cavalier he was driving was his and that there was nothing wrong. Unfortunately for him he was driving a Ford Escort that was stolen from a gentlemen's club earlier in the night. Police arrested the man, who said he had no memory of taking the wrong vehicle outside the club, and said that his blood-alcohol content was .166, more than twice the legal limit.

Not only did Mr. Sauced And Blind drink and drive, but he was so drunk he didn't even know what car was his. Of course, only in Alaska would this happen. Would anyone in Sikeston leave their car unlocked with their keys in it while enjoying the spirits at their local bar? I think not.

Of course, at least that guy was lucid enough to pay for his drinks, unlike an Oklahoma man who also ordered a few too many.

According to the Associated Press report, the 28-year-old was playing pool with an open bottle of beer and spilled some of it on the table. When police arrived and asked him to pay his $32 tab and leave, the man gave a credit card which was declined.

So then, this guy was so drunk he tried to pay for his beer with gum wrappers. Unfortunately for Mr. Drunk Fumblefingers the bar didn't recognize gum wrappers as currency. But I'm sure it was an honest mistake. He just reached into his pocket and pulled out something that was paper and thought, "this feels like paper so surely it will cover the cost of my beer. And what is this stick thing? Hmmm, minty."

But nothing takes the cake like a story I saw on Fox News about a month ago of a "Father of the Year" candidate. This Tennessee dad was out and consumed something like 15 beers and other liquor while his female companion was high on drugs. Fortunately this guy knew he was too drunk to get home and there just happened to be three kids with them. Surely the responsible 10-year-old would make sure they got home safely, right?

Well, all was good except for the fact the 10-year-old had a lead foot and thought 90 miles per hour was a nice driving speed. After the vehicle flipped over, the police took the parents to jail and the children to state care. Of course, nothing was as fitting as the dad's mugshot in which he is seen wearing a "Buy this dad a beer" shirt. So, I guess the kids took dad out for a night on the town, huh?

After seeing these stories and knowing what kind of idiots there are out there, drinking alone on a Saturday night sounded really good. As a matter of fact, maybe next time I'll put down the beer and drink some chocolate milk.

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David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins