You should take my advice

In these tough economic times, one can't be too careful with their spending. In fact, with newspapers dropping like flies all across the country, I'm starting to think about a second career.

The only problem with finding a second career is there isn't much call for a sarcastic, below-average writer. Of course, my father-in-law suggested an advice column, much like Dear Abby, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Using some questions for Dear Abby, I'll give my responses and let my readers be the judge.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my mid-20s and am in the process of buying my first home. It is a great house and not necessarily a typical "starter" home.

My issue is many friends and acquaintances keep asking me how much I am purchasing the home for and how can I afford it. I was raised that to ask about someone's financial situation is rude and intrusive. Am I right, or has this become acceptable?

DEAR RICH GIRL: Before I can give a thoughtful answer I must know how much you make to be able to afford a such a house. And, while you're at it, how much did you pay for the home?

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been with my girlfriend for the last four years. I want to take a break and see what else is out there, but I don't know how to tell her without freaking her out and making her cry. Abby, how do I tell a girl who loves me that I want to take a break and see other people?

DEAR CHICKEN: I recommend a text or e-mail so you don't have to see her cry and so she doesn't punch you in the face. Also, in a few months when you realize you can't get anybody better, you can say you were held hostage and were forced to send the message while at gun point.

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end with my 9-year-old son, "Zane." After his wrestling practice I tell him to take a shower.

He either flat-out refuses or makes excuses to prolong not taking one and then refuses. I don't know what to do to get him to take care of his personal hygiene. Please give me some advice.

DEAR STINKY: Turn the hose on him when he gets out of the car.

DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I returned to my hometown for a funeral and reconnected with a distant cousin I hadn't seen since high school. "Jake" and I were close growing up, but had lost touch after I moved away at 17.

Since my trip home we have been in constant contact. Over Thanksgiving, Jake joined me for a long weekend getaway. He also made plans for us to be together on New Year's Eve and to take some other fun trips. We both feel we could have a future together, but we're worried about what people back home will say. (It's a small town where everyone knows everything.)

Jake remains very close to some of my other family, so it would be hard to drop the "cousin" role. I spoke with my doctor before getting involved; he confirmed there are no medical reasons why we shouldn't. We're sixth cousins, but were raised as if we were closer than that.

DEAR INCEST: Move to Arkansas and your problems will be solved.

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

DEAR UNTRUSTING: Maybe you should have a test done to make sure you are the mother. If it comes back that you are, I suggest you put the baby up for adoption to give it a chance.

DEAR ABBY: Should a sarcastic, below-average writer at a small newspaper try to give people advice in columns?

DEAR STUPID: Oh yeah, I definitely think you have a career in writing advice columns. People are going to be coming to you for advice for years to come and I'll, I mean you'll be rich before you know it. But, probably you'll just be unemployed.