In these tough economic times, one can't be too careful with their spending. In fact, with newspapers dropping like flies all across the country, I'm starting to think about a second career.
The only problem with finding a second career is there isn't much call for a sarcastic, below-average writer. Of course, my father-in-law suggested an advice column, much like Dear Abby, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Using some questions for Dear Abby, I'll give my responses and let my readers be the judge.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my mid-20s and am in the process of buying my first home. It is a great house and not necessarily a typical "starter" home.
My issue is many friends and acquaintances keep asking me how much I am purchasing the home for and how can I afford it. I was raised that to ask about someone's financial situation is rude and intrusive. Am I right, or has this become acceptable?
DEAR RICH GIRL: Before I can give a thoughtful answer I must know how much you make to be able to afford a such a house. And, while you're at it, how much did you pay for the home?
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been with my girlfriend for the last four years. I want to take a break and see what else is out there, but I don't know how to tell her without freaking her out and making her cry. Abby, how do I tell a girl who loves me that I want to take a break and see other people?
DEAR CHICKEN: I recommend a text or e-mail so you don't have to see her cry and so she doesn't punch you in the face. Also, in a few months when you realize you can't get anybody better, you can say you were held hostage and were forced to send the message while at gun point.
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end with my 9-year-old son, "Zane." After his wrestling practice I tell him to take a shower.
He either flat-out refuses or makes excuses to prolong not taking one and then refuses. I don't know what to do to get him to take care of his personal hygiene. Please give me some advice.
DEAR STINKY: Turn the hose on him when he gets out of the car.
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I returned to my hometown for a funeral and reconnected with a distant cousin I hadn't seen since high school. "Jake" and I were close growing up, but had lost touch after I moved away at 17.
Since my trip home we have been in constant contact. Over Thanksgiving, Jake joined me for a long weekend getaway. He also made plans for us to be together on New Year's Eve and to take some other fun trips. We both feel we could have a future together, but we're worried about what people back home will say. (It's a small town where everyone knows everything.)
Jake remains very close to some of my other family, so it would be hard to drop the "cousin" role. I spoke with my doctor before getting involved; he confirmed there are no medical reasons why we shouldn't. We're sixth cousins, but were raised as if we were closer than that.
DEAR INCEST: Move to Arkansas and your problems will be solved.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR UNTRUSTING: Maybe you should have a test done to make sure you are the mother. If it comes back that you are, I suggest you put the baby up for adoption to give it a chance.
DEAR ABBY: Should a sarcastic, below-average writer at a small newspaper try to give people advice in columns?
DEAR STUPID: Oh yeah, I definitely think you have a career in writing advice columns. People are going to be coming to you for advice for years to come and I'll, I mean you'll be rich before you know it. But, probably you'll just be unemployed.