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It's my diet - no kidding

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I apparently have a disorder I have dubbed Kid Diet. I was never aware of this condition until it was recently brought to my attention by a co-worker.

I've never thought of myself as someone with a childish diet. When I'm hungry, I eat and I eat what I think tastes good. Evidently my taste buds rival that of a 5-year-old.

This was pointed out to me last week when my wife called me as she was preparing to go grocery shopping. I immediately responded that I needed Sunny D, chocolate milk, white milk, bread and some macaroni and cheese. That is when I heard my co-worker begin to cackle.

Needless to say I didn't understand the laughter. Sunny D is awesome and doesn't have any of the yucky floating pulp that orange juice has. There is nothing yummier than chocolate milk and I need white milk to pour on my Lucky Charms cereal. And who doesn't like Lucky Charms? They're magically delicious.

Of course bread was for my two favorite sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly and grilled cheese. What adult or child doesn't like a PB&J? And grilled cheese might be one of the best sandwiches on earth.

My co-worker got an especially big laugh out of the macaroni and cheese. Yes I like mac and cheese and I like the little plastic containers where I can add water, heat it in the microwave and it is ready to eat. It's a lot easier than cooking up steak and eggs, that's for sure.

As my co-worker's cackling continued, so did I with my grocery list. Next up, some Lunchables. For those of you who have not been introduced to these tasty delicacies, let me explain. Lunchables are little trays of crackers, cheese and meat. You can stack them how you want or even eat the meat first, then the cheese and then the cracker. Not only are they scrumptious, they are fun too and are perfect when you want a small lunch. They also make little sandwiches that can be heated in the microwave for about 20 seconds and they're good to go.

What the Lunchables aren't though is exclusive to a child's lunch box. There is nothing wrong with me putting them in my Transformers lunch box to take to work. I'm sure it is much better than eating greasy potato chips out of the vending machine.

As my co-worker was rolling in the floor with laughter I decided not to tell my wife some other items I was needing like Spaghetti-Os. I try to eat like an adult but I enjoy sitting down with Chef Boyardee and seeing what delicious items he has in store for me, like mini ravioli, spaghetti and meat balls and my favorite Beefaroni.

I also didn't tell her I needed some noodles. Yes, I eat Ramen Noodles, too. Why shouldn't I? They are cheap, easy to make and yummy to my tummy, especially when I season them up with a little of my special seasoning. What child knows to put barbecue seasoning on his noodles to give them that smoky flavor?

I blame my wife. Being a director at a center full of 2 to 5-year-olds, of course I'm going to eat like a child. When I got home later that night I asked the little devil teacher if I ate like a child and she just laughed before telling me I did. "I always know if my kids at school like something then you will too," she replied.

That cut deep, but apparently using her kids as guinea pigs for my diet isn't such a bad thing. I'm not overweight and I get coloring books and colors when I order at restaurants. And that makes me happy, as long as they have orange Kool-Aid. No orange Kool-Aid makes David a very unhappy boy.



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David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins