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Thursday, Aug. 28, 2014

Out of the mouth of a babe

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

One of my favorite people in baseball is Yogi Berra. I know I never got to see him play but he has given some of the greatest quotes I can remember.

Who can't laugh at quotes like:

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious"

"I never said most of the things I said."

"It's like deja-vu all over again."

"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

Little did I know that I would marry the female version of Yogi. My wife has had some of the funniest one-liners and the older she gets the more hilarious stuff she says without knowing it.

It isn't all her fault. In her defense, she has been around pre-school-aged kids for the better part of the last 15 years. So I grew accustomed to her telling me to "come right back" anytime I left the room. I guess she was afraid I was going to run out the door and play in traffic.

I've also had to get used to my wife referring to the bathroom as "potty" for the last 15 years. Imagine sitting at a crowded baseball game and your wife turning to you and saying "I'm going to go potty. Do you want anything?" Such is my life.

Being around little kids for that long has stunted her vocabulary and it is really starting to show. Just a few weeks ago my wife and her friend spent the week in Branson. One night I get a text from my wife that read "I found a yummy beer."

Now I have never, in my life, heard somebody call a beer yummy. I have a friend who I believe has tasted every beer made and he has never once described one as yummy. She sounded like a 3-year-old describing a glass of chocolate milk.

Come to find out that wasn't too far off. A few days later when she returned we were dining out and she looked at the drink menu, only to find the same "beer." Come to find out it is only a cider.

However my wife didn't give up. When they brought the drink out to her she exclaimed, "look, it has beer fizzies." Not only have I never heard the expression yummy but I sure hadn't heard "beer fizzies." Obviously by now you know that my wife is not a heavy drinker.

My friend and I tried to explain to her that it is called "carbonation" but I'm sure for the rest of my life she will refer to cider as "yummy beer" and carbonation as "beer fizzies."

A day or two later we were out of town eating at another restaurant when some friends ordered some potato skins. My wife asked if I wanted a potato skin and I replied "no, I'm not really in the mood for potatoes today."

Her response, "It isn't a real potato."

How do you respond to that? I didn't know they served fake potatoes at restaurants. I was pretty sure it wasn't plastic like that plastic fruit you see used as decoration. If so, nobody who had eaten any of the potatoes seemed to notice it being extremely chewy.

My wife is taking some college classes and one of the courses she was taking involved a lot of computer work. Unless it involves playing Farmville and Mafia Wars on Facebook, my wife is pretty computer illiterate.

With that in mind, the other day she went to the computer lab and came back proud that she had finished her assignment. As she was telling me about it, she said, "all I had to do then was save it to my stick."

I asked her to repeat herself and she said the same thing. It took me a few minutes to realize she meant she saved it to her jump drive that she apparently calls her "stick." I had never heard it called that before, but at least now I know what she is referring to if she ever asks me to pick up her sticks.

Oh well, like Yogi says, "There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em."



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David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins