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Monday, Dec. 22, 2014

I'm lost in the world of fashion

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

There have been a few challenges to being single. None more so than shopping.

Gone is that safety net when I could pull out a bright orange shirt, hold it up and ask, "Would I wear this?" I tried and the man walking by just looked at me and went into a five minute monologue about the color of my pants I would be wearing with it. No more talking to strangers.

I like to think I have some fashion sense though, which is why now all I own are black, gray and dark blue shirts. If I want to go for that carefree look I might even add a white T-shirt for color. So shopping should be easy right? Not so much.

It would be a lot easier if I knew what I liked. The last 15 years I was pretty much told what I liked. Keep in mind I'm not picky. Most mornings I don't even turn on the light when I pick my clothes. I'm like Luke Skywalker using the Force. I just hold out my hand and grab the first shirt I touch.

So when I am in the clothing store I just stand there and look around until the pretty girl who works there approaches me and asks if I need help. She has no idea.

Fifteen minutes later I have a pile of shirts in my arms in every color of the rainbow because green goes with my eyes, red is a power color and pink is the "in color" this year. Then she bats her pretty eyes and I'm off to the dressing room. There I realize I may not know what I like but I am positive what I don't like. Pink. But my sweet little clothing associate disagreed.

"Oh, that looks cute."

If I was going for cute I would carry around a teddy bear and wear a onesie. Maybe I don't have any fashion sense after all. I'll just stick to my dark colors.

Shopping doesn't get any better when you go with another fellow single guy. Especially when you are clothes shopping for his six-month-old baby girl.

First, two guys in the baby section get plenty of looks from all the people in the store. As we walked by heads kept popping up from racks of clothes to see just where these two clueless men were going.

Once in the baby section my friend just keeps holding up outfits saying they are "adorable." Who is this person and when did he learn what "adorable" was, let alone use it in a sentence? He held up outfit after outfit and wanted my opinion.

"I wouldn't wear it," was my response for every one.

He held up one with a little crab on the front and asked me how I liked it. I had noticed it also had a little crab on the butt. Obviously he couldn't buy that for her.

"You can't buy that. Everybody will be looking at the crab on her butt."

"It's fine. People can look at her butt until she's out of diapers."

"But what if a little boy sees the crab and tries to grab it? We can't have little boys grabbing her butt."

At this point, some lady who will forever remember the conversation for life, began laughing out loud and pushed her cart away. I'm sure she gathers everybody around the campfire and tells the story of the two idiots clothes shopping for a baby.

Finally I see something that catches my eye -- a onesie with a football helmet on it. Everybody likes football. So I pick it out and and hand it to my friend, who also loves football, or so I thought.

"We can't get that, she's a girl."

"Girls like football. Some even play now. We can teach her to love football now when she is young."

"You can't buy a little girl something with a football on it."

When was this rule made? But this was coming from a guy who wears pink shirts so obviously he knows what's fashionable and what isn't. That's why he bought the stupid crab onesie and left the "adorable" football onesie on the rack.

That's when I realized that clothes shopping isn't for me. So I have decided to wait to buy more clothes until I have a girlfriend. And while that seems unlikely at this current pace, I may just have to pay somebody to buy my clothes for me. You'll know one of the two has happened if you ever see me in a pink shirt.



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David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins