A friend looked at me recently and said, "David, you aren't a chick magnet, you're a nut magnet."
Maybe she's right. It started at an early age when in kindergarten a girl convinced me to kiss her. Only when our teacher caught us, she said it was my idea. I've been attracted to nuts ever since.
Unfortunately, there wasn't a class in kindergarten that covered one of the most important things for boys and girls to know. Woman are nuts and men are stupid.
I, of course, would nominate myself to teach this class as I have extensive experience in the subject. That -- and I can relate to kindergartners so well since we have about the same mental capacity.
The first and most important lesson to teach is that men will never understand women.
And if you are a man who thinks you understand women, you are more stupid than the average man.
I was with the same woman for almost 16 years and even in that amount of time, I had a better chance of understanding a nuclear physics problem than understanding her. But then again nuclear physics problems aren't as complicated as women in the first place.
Unfortunately, since we men are stupid, we just aren't equipped to handle the complicated equation that is women.
Being stupid, we men never understand the need to have 45 pairs of shoes or why there are little frilly soaps in the bathroom that we aren't allowed to use. We can't figure out why women get so upset when we won't stop and ask for directions. Columbus used the stars to guide his way and discovered America even though he was lost. Maybe we can discover something.
Men can't understand why women are always thinking and typically over-thinking things. We know when a woman is silent her mind is thinking about a billion things we will never understand. And honestly we don't want to know. Most men believe we have only two faults: everything we say and everything we do. As women are breaking down in their mind and filing into subcategories the things we have done wrong in the last hour, we men are content to be oblivious to this to avoid an argument that we certainly won't win.
On the flip side, when a man is silent and is asked what we are thinking and we say "nothing" it really is nothing, or at least nothing women want to know. Men think about food, football, and... well, if we told women we would just be slapped all the time, so we say "nothing."
However, on the rare occasion a woman does tell a man her problem, a man will try to fix it. We men are "fixers" or attempt to be. If you tell us a problem, we just figure you want us to fix it. If a woman asks a man for sympathy she is liable to get a deer in the headlights look, a box of tissues and a cold beer.
But women never really say what they mean. I learned the hard way that instead of asking what they want, women will just drop hints. Again, men are stupid. Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work and really obvious hints won't work. I might be able to notice a pencil out of place on my desk, but a strong hint from a woman never seems to register. A banner over the garage, however, might get the point across. Maybe.
I also have learned that if a woman says she is "fine" there is nothing that is fine. This means there is something terribly wrong. For instance, if a man's asks if the finances are okay and his wife says they are "fine," he should go out and get a second job and look for a place to sell his kidney and possibly his firstborn child.
"Fine" has basically the same meaning as "nothing" in woman-speak. If a woman says "nothing is wrong" there is a very serious problem. The man will again ignore this for as long as possible because even if he thought he knew what was wrong he would just try to fix it or it would become an argument. Neither scenario ends well for the man.
If a woman says "that's okay" believe me when I tell you it isn't okay. It isn't even close to being okay and whatever is supposedly "okay" will be used against the man and he will live to regret it. And time has no bearing here. A woman will keep a "that's okay" moment stored in her mind for an unlimited amount of time. Again, men are stupid and won't even remember the "that's okay" situation and won't even be able to properly defend themselves in an argument they couldn't win anyway.
As men we do realize we will never win an argument, but sometimes women just don't play fair. Like when a pretty woman walks by and a woman asks her man if he thinks she is pretty. Yes we think she is pretty. Again, men are stupid. We are like little children that are attracted to anything shiny and jiggly. So if something like that walks by we will notice. We also notice the 1972 Ford Mustang in the parking lot but neither it nor the pretty girl makes us think less of the woman we are with.
Women also like to ask "Does this make my butt look big?" or "Does this look okay?" First, if a woman is asking a man if her butt looks too big, she already knows the answer. Granted, men are stupid, but every man who is asked that question has one answer, "no honey, you look great." Any other answer could get the man killed or severely injured. And women don't understand that men don't care what you wear. Men are happy with anything the woman wishes to wear, just as long as she is ready to go.
That's because when a woman says she will be ready in "five minutes" she really means she will be ready in 30 minutes. Of course that is also about the amount of time the last five minutes of a football game will last.
And women like to ask, "is that what you're going to wear?" Yes that is what we are going to wear or we wouldn't be wearing it. Most men want to look nice but a few wrinkles and stains aren't shiny or jiggly so we barely notice them. Men are almost always content to wear what the woman picks out because typically we look better and it saves an argument later that will be lost anyway.
And as a stupid man, I realize I would lose the ability to teach my class after this one lesson. Invariably some nut would walk in, squint her pretty little eyes, point her finger in a scolding manner and I would lower my head and say "yes ma'am" as I let her teach the rest of the class newly titled: Women are great, men are still stupid. But that's fine. After all, I might be stupid but I sure do like nuts.
David can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him on Twitter @djenkie74.