In my diligent work as a reporter I recently discovered there will be a presidential election in mere weeks. That explains all of the posts I desperately try to ignore on Facebook and Twitter.
But as I made my discovery and began investigating this election, I kept thinking "These are the best candidates we can come up with?" Were Beavis and Butthead not available? If only Martin Sheen from "West Wing" was running. But then I realized maybe the best candidate just wasn't running -- me.
I think I would be perfect for the job. I have all of the qualifications. I'm over 35, was born in the United States and have lived in the U.S. for over 14 years. Wait, is that it? That is all it takes to be the leader of the free world? At least the bar wasn't set too high.
I guess I'm even over-qualified since I am a graduate of kindergarten, high school and college. Even better, I have yet to even be convicted of a felony, which apparently doesn't matter either.
Who knew I could have been a drug dealer and learned the ins and outs of back room deals to prepare for the presidency?
But my qualifications are plenty. I can actually read off of a teleprompter and a piece of paper. I realize previous presidents have struggled with that so again I may be over-qualified but I learned to read at a young age so I might as well use it. I know, I'm bragging a bit.
Trust me though when I say I can fumble over my words with the best of them.
"Why yes ma'am, you have a fine looking little girl... Wait, that's a boy?"
But something tells me I might be intelligent enough to stay away from stuff like "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning? or "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Thank you former President Bush for making every president after you look like a genius.
Another qualification to be president is to dodge questions. After watching portions of all three debates I'm not sure if the candidates ever really answered a direct question. I feel confident I could do that.
"Mr. Jenkins, what are your feelings on abortion?"
"Well, I know that abortion is a hot topic with today's voters. Wait, what's that in the back of the room?" Question dodged.
But I have even more qualifications. I can shake hands and smile. Well, maybe smiling is a stretch but I can shake hands with the best of them. If you put your hand out in front of me, I will shake it and will probably smile doing it. I might even give you a "how ya' doin?" in a bit of a southern drawl if you're lucky.
The qualifications keep coming. Since I'm not married, if I was elected president there would be no cheating-on-my-wife scandal in the Oval Office. And I would not have to go in front of the people and try to define sexual relations. I watched a video about that in the fifth grade, so I could but I wouldn't have to.
I do realize not being married would raise a red flag as not valuing family but hey, she chose a different party. But I was married for nearly 13 years before getting divorced. That means I'm used to not being liked and taking the blame for things like the sun rising and the sky being blue. Yet another qualification. You want to blame me for your gas prices going up $5 a gallon, go ahead. I'll smile and shake your hand. I probably wouldn't ask you "how ya' doin?" though.
I can also make promises I can't keep.
"I promise I will have my column finished by 11."
At 11:30 when asked where my column is another qualification is found -- memory loss.
"I have no recollection of that. It doesn't sound like something I would promise."
So I think I am set for the presidency. I actually think I may be too over-qualified but I'm willing to take control of the country to help the people. That is unless I get that job as a doctor giving free breast exams.
But my name is David Jenkins. I want to be your write-in candidate for president. I approve this message.
Future Mr. President Jenkins will be taking next week off to campaign but will return with a column on Nov. 7.