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Saturday, Sep. 20, 2014

My quirks make me who I am

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Everyone has their little quirks that makes them unique and in some cases gets them committed. Me, I'm apparently very unique and well on my way to being committed.

My girlfriend is learning these quirks rather quickly. The other day we were cleaning my kitchen cabinets and I had to look at each individual item asking questions about each one before going to the next one.

"What's this?"

"What's it used for?"

"Do I need it?"

Usually that was followed by a statement like: "You've had it for 10 years and you don't even know what it is. Throw it away!"

But that just scratches the surface with my quirks. We were grocery shopping the other day and I put bread in the cart and wouldn't let her touch it. As a matter of fact, I don't want anyone or anything touching my bread. If the loaf is smashed or deformed in any way, I won't buy it or eat it. I know, I know, the straight jacket is out of the closet.

And while we are on the subject of bread or anything with an expiration date, let me just tell you if the food is expired by one minute I won't eat it or drink it. I'm not sure how they get the expiration date on things. I don't know if it depends on the length of the cow's udders, how hard they are squeezed or where the farm is but there is a reason that date is on the carton of milk and I'm going to abide by it. If it is a second after that date, I won't do anything but throw it out.

Of course, most of the time I can't remember to buy milk because I can never find a pad of paper to write a grocery list. I am a reporter (term used very loosely) and I have 50 notebooks strategically placed around the house. And by strategically placed I mean hidden so I have to search for 10 minutes to find anything to write my grocery list on. Of course, when I do find the notebook I have to find a pen. An hour later when I have everything needed for the list I can't remember what I needed.

Unfortunately my quirks don't stop there. I talk to my animals like they are going to answer. I wish I could say it is because I've lived alone the last year-and-a-half and used them as human contact but that wouldn't be true. I have always done it.

"What do you want to eat today?"

"Who is at the door?"

"They are here to take me to the insane asylum, can you let yourselves out?"

I have a habit of holding my breath whenever I have to squeeze into a parking spot. Come on, you never know when that extra breath will expand the metal of your car, forcing you into an accident.

When I am playing a video game where I am driving a car I will lean left or right when I am turning. I'm sure the game knows if you lean or not and turns better if you do. That's right, I'm an idiot.

Speaking of idiotic things, I nibble the inside of my mouth when I'm deep in thought. That little bit of nibbling apparently makes my brain work better I guess. Hang on, I'll nibble on the inside of my mouth and think about it while I list some other quirks.

* If I go to the movies in a Wehrenberg Theater I will sing the theme song and even whisper the Wehrenberg name on cue to whoever I'm with. It just makes the movie experience good and drives my girlfriend crazy in the process.

* If my basketball team wins a game I will wear the exact same thing the next game including underwear and socks. Because, of course, what I wear has a direct impact on the game.

* I won't dog ear pages of a book. I think it is disrespectful to the author and like vandalism to their work. Weird, I know.

* When I set an alarm, it has to have a five somewhere in the time. I have no idea why either. Maybe they will be able to figure that out at the asylum.

* I will check my alarm every night before I go to sleep even though I haven't changed it or turned it off in over a year. I will keep the alarm on even when I don't have to wake up at a specific time.

* I eat my food one thing at time, saving my favorite portion of the meal for last. I will even go so far as to take a bite of something and realize it is awesome and then eat everything else and come back to it so it is the last thing I eat.

Fortunately, my girlfriend is fine with all these quirks so far. Who knows, maybe she will come and visit me at the asylum and bring the dogs. I need to ask the mutts what mail I've missed.



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David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins