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Wednesday, Aug. 20, 2014
Something's fishy about the Gulf (08/13/14)
I just returned from my first trip to see the Gulf of Mexico and I can tell you one thing about the Gulf waters -- they're dangerous. I have visited the Atlantic Ocean on many occasions, splashing around in the salty water without a care in the world. Outside of being chased by a super-aggressive crab with a Napoleon complex, I've never had a problem. But that was the ocean. The Gulf is a different story...
I'll worship the real sun god (07/23/14)
The summer usually involves plenty of days of swimming and lake trips, leaving me with a bronze tan, the kind you see in statues made of Greek gods. Minus the muscles and fictitious physique, of course. Unfortunately this summer, Mother Nature has not cooperated and the number of days out in the sun has been limited. This has left me looking pasty with a trip to the beach coming up in a few weeks. That can mean only one thing -- sunburn on vacation...
Spoons - The Game of Groans and Moans (07/09/14)
Anyone who knows me knows my love for sports. I've been watching them since I can remember and in that time I have come across plenty of violent ones. There's football where a person can get hit and knocked unconscious or even have an appendage snapped in two. ...
Over-the-hill and embracing it (07/02/14)
It finally happened. Against all of my best efforts I turned 40 yesterday. Growing up I used to think that 40 was over the hill. I used to think that 40-year-olds were know-it-alls who just repeat the same stories over and over about how things were back when they were young. Now I think 40 is over the hill and that 40-year-olds are just know-it-alls who just repeat the same stories over and over...
Going to battle with Mr. Mole (06/25/14)
I have a new arch enemy. A nasty, ugly little fellow with webbed feet and beady eyes that loves to devour my yard. He is commonly called a mole but I refer to him as the devil. I noticed the presence of something in my yard a few weeks ago when I went to mow my grass and saw mole hills all in my yard. ...
Just say no to texting - UG2BK (06/18/14)
I hate getting old but each day I get closer to sitting on my porch, shaking my cane screaming "GET OFF MY LAWN!" I realized I was one step closer the other day when I was driving and looked over and saw a young teen, head buried in her cell phone, passing me on the highway like I was standing still. That was followed by my reaction which sounded something like: "Look at the road and slow down you young whippersnapper!"...
Having a ball on my vacation (06/11/14)
The best thing about taking some vacation time is getting to play some golf. After all, there is nothing like hitting a ball with a crooked stick and chasing it into trees, water, sand and anything else I can find. So last week as part of my vacation I went on a golf outing with a few friends. ...
Let's talk about the differences (05/28/14)
Sometimes it is funny the different types of discussions that men have as compared to women. It hit me the other night during a large gathering of friends. Less than 10 minutes into night the girls started talking about a crazy television show called "Sex Sent Me to the ER" on the TLC channel...
I think I'm losing my app-etite (05/14/14)
As I age I am noticing that I am losing my grip on technology among many other things. But today I'm going to stick to technology. Ever since I started trying to find Carmen Sandiego on my first computer experience in middle school, I have been hooked on technology. Whether it was email, the Internet, TiVo, smart phones or apps for those smart phones I have been able to understand and figure them out and wanted the latest and the best...
Don't make a fast-food faux pas (04/23/14)
I used to be a fast-food connoisseur. "McGreasyBurger's has the best fries. They use just enough salt to mask the greasy taste." Fortunately for my colon and sanity I very seldom eat fast food anymore. One would think it was because I was trying to eat healthier. Instead it was because I didn't want to have a stroke in one of the drive-thru lines...
My life isn't another action film (04/16/14)
Every since I was little I have been a movie buff. Even in the first grade I was giving movie reviews to classmates. "Can you believe Darff Vader was Luke's daddy?" But as I get older and older and older and... well you get it, I am noticing the parts of movies that make them so far fetched. And I'm not talking about men flying around with capes and tights and wars in space. I know that stuff is real...
Yea, baby, I can bust-a move (04/09/14)
When it comes to dancing, I'm like a fish out of water. At least that is what I look like. Especially when I hit the floor to do the worm. That is why I was happy to read a news article about men dancing. Researchers recently used 3D cameras to film men dancing and then asked women to rate them in order to decide what kind of dancing women found most attractive. I'm glad they weren't researching something as trivial as cancer or Alzheimer's and instead focused on such a hard-pressing issue...
Bond proposal is too expensive (04/02/14)
I usually use this space to try to make people laugh by making a few sarcastic remarks and funny comments. However, today I want to take a minute to be serious and tell you why I think everyone should vote no on Tuesday's school bond issue. I admire and respect those trying to push the $32.3 million issue through. ...
Got the skinny on skinny jeans (03/26/14)
There are certain things men are just not made to wear. We've all saw the Speedo on the beach experiment fail miserably and no man should wear a cape -- except Superman. But one trend I've seen lately needs to be added to this list -- skinny jeans. Maybe I just haven't paid attention but I have been seeing more and more adults in these skin-tight skinny jeans. I've seen actors, musicians and even real, everyday people in them. And every time I see them all I can think is "they lost a bet."...
Zombies won't take over here (03/19/14)
I was flipping through channels the other night and I came across a television show about zombies. I don't care for zombie shows so I changed the channel and came across a zombie movie, followed by another zombie movie on another channel. It appears the loonies were right -- the zombie apocalypse is here...
I'm a real grocery-buying pro (02/26/14)
In the past few years I feel as if I have become a grocery buying professional. That's because I am in a grocery store nearly every day, never getting everything I need in one trip. As I have perfected my craft of purchasing groceries, I have developed a set of rules I use that helps shorten my time in the store while giving me the best possible experience...
Let's have some real ice sports (02/12/14)
Like most everyone in southeast Missouri, I am sick and tired of winter. The constant snow, ice and frigid cold has kept me inside much more than I would like, stuck watching "Seinfeld" reruns and reading about a ridiculous school bond issue we will have to vote down in the spring...
Whiiiifffff - my youth is gone (09/25/13)
As a teenager, I was addicted to wiffle ball. I would play all day until it was too dark to see the ball and even then it was hard to drag me away. So when a friend asked me to play in a wiffle ball tournament last weekend, I was all in. Then the day to play arrived and I realized that it had been over 20 years since I had actually played a true game of wiffle ball. Sure, I had thrown the ball around with co-workers here and there but this was serious business. It was a tournament...
It's all in knowing what to fix (08/28/13)
I've never really been a very handy person around the house. I mean it's pretty sad when my dogs run and hide when I try and change a lightbulb. That's why it's scary every time my girlfriend comes to me with a problem. As a man, I feel it is my duty to try and fix what is broken. That's usually when the voice inside my head brings me down to Earth. In the booming, all-powerful voice of James Earl Jones (who does your inner voice sound like?) I am reminded of things like:...
Women have it all in the bag (08/07/13)
As I age, I continue to be amazed at how much I have to learn about women. My latest lesson, the importance of a purse to a woman. As a man, I see little need for a purse. I carry everything I need in a little money clip. Easy and compact, I never have any problem finding anything that I need. I asked a woman once why they didn't just carry something like a money clip and not worry with a purse...
Will we ever achieve equality? (07/17/13)
Like many I watched the George Zimmerman trial with interest. And when it was all said and done, I was left shaking my head. Not for the verdict. In the times we live in no verdict surprises me. Honestly when it comes to trials it is a game and the best lawyers win...
Kentucky: It's no place like home (07/10/13)
I decided sometime back that for my birthday this year I just wanted to get away. Some friends had a cabin at Kentucky Lake and let me use it so my girlfriend and I loaded up the car and away we went for a weekend. I had never been to Kentucky Lake before so to say I was unprepared is an understatement. All I knew about Kentucky is that I hate their basketball team and that all their citizens are required to take a shower once a year. Don't believe me, look it up...
Citizens have a right to know (07/03/13)
Apparently Sikeston has a new motto:  "Shhh, be very, very quiet." Just like Elmer Fudd wanted the audience to be quiet in the Bugs Bunny cartoons, "visionaries" within Sikeston want city officials to be quiet. My question: what are they hiding?...
I need a sure cure for vacations (06/26/13)
Every time I go to Florida I hate leaving. I always want to bring something back with me -- like the ocean. Unfortunately this year I only brought back sickness. I got back from Florida over two weeks ago and I am still sick. I'm apparently using the hourglass approach to healing thanks to a misdiagnosis from a local "doctor."...
Going to battle with Napoleon (06/12/13)
I love Florida. I love everything from the beaches, to the beaches and did I mention the beaches? But not everything on the beach loves me. While in Florida last week for some much needed R&R, my girlfriend, her daughter and I decided to walk the beach late one night...
Baby, you should listen to me (05/29/13)
The super power of babies amaze me. A baby can appear and turn intelligent people into babbling fools. Einstein: "The speed of light in a vacuum is independent of the motion (enter baby) ohhh gagga goo goo!" I think we should use this super power to bring all enemies to their knees. At war with another country, bring babies to the front lines and watch soldiers wait patiently to hold the little ones. Being attacked by zombies, just hold a baby and watch the undead pinch the little guy's cheeks...
In the race to get news wrong (04/24/13)
Like many, I spent the last week glued to my television and smart phone watching the happenings in Boston. But as one news outlet after another made misstep after misstep, I became increasingly embarrassed to say I was a member of the media, no matter how far removed...
Race time: And the winner is? (04/03/13)
Growing up I remember running race after race on the playground gravel. I raced to impress the girls, settle differences, blow off steam and did I mention to impress girls? I thought my days of seeing boys settle their differences died on the playground gravel but I was wrong...
I'm not yet full of knowledge (03/20/13)
It is funny that no matter how old and gray I get, I can still learn new things. For example, what the word "full" means. For my entire life I thought "full" meant something that contains as much as possible. I have been told I'm wrong. It happened one night while out to dinner with my girlfriend. As the dinner wound down she still had some food on her plate and offered some to me...
Paws up, you've been caught! (02/27/13)
Having pets is sometimes like having children. For me and my pets, it is like having children who are too smart for their own good. Take my dog, Kramer. The little rat terrier could figure out a Rubix's Cube if it had food in it, probably in world record time...
These wrestlers don't ring true (02/13/13)
When I was a young, I loved to watch professional wrestling. I even used a wrestling move to get out of being picked on by a bully. I hit her with a trash can. So when I was offered free tickets to watch professional wrestling live, I jumped at it. What could be more entertaining than a bunch of muscled-up guys in tights rolling around in a ring? Maybe I didn't think that through...
A look at those Superbowl picks (02/06/13)
Every year I look forward to the Super Bowl. It's one of the best days of the year filled with football, great friends, good food and bad commercials. This year was like every year leading up to Super Bowl Sunday. For two weeks men who look like WWE wrestlers in suits dissect every little aspect of the game while men soak in as much as possible so we can regurgitate it to our friends like it is our own knowledge...
My quirks make me who I am (01/30/13)
Everyone has their little quirks that makes them unique and in some cases gets them committed. Me, I'm apparently very unique and well on my way to being committed. My girlfriend is learning these quirks rather quickly. The other day we were cleaning my kitchen cabinets and I had to look at each individual item asking questions about each one before going to the next one...
It's time to bring on spring! (01/23/13)
I hate cold weather. Wait. Hate isn't a strong enough word to truly explain how I feel about the cold. I despise the cold weather. Once the temperature drops below 50 degrees it is too cold for me. I would much rather be wearing flip flops, shorts and a T-shirt while sweating to death in the humid Missouri weather...
The old man in the mirror is me (01/16/13)
As I looked in the mirror this morning I had to take a second look just to recognize the person staring back at me. Exactly when did I get old? It seems like just yesterday I was 30 and getting carded to buy an R-rated movie. Now I'm pushing 40 and my license has dust on it because apparently only the nice police officer wants to see it nowadays...
Holding court and enjoying it (01/09/13)
For the last decade or more I have coached youth basketball. The thought of me having any influence over anyone under the age of 18 I'm sure is frightening to most and probably for good reason. First I love to win. If I was playing a game of checkers with a child on their death bed whose last wish was to feel the joys of victory I would try to crush them...
How the Grinch found Christmas (12/19/12)
For many years I have been a member of the fraternity Kappa Bah Humbug. The only requirement for joining is to hate Christmas. We have parties with kegs of spiked egg nog and play drinking games where every time somebody says Merry Christmas you drink. Those wearing Christmas sweaters are doomed to be chased down and given a wedgie by frat brothers still sober enough to run. Our mascot is a Grinch...
A man card trumps all others (12/12/12)
As a man I am part of an exclusive club where every move you make and every word that comes out of your mouth is scrutinized by fellow club members. As a part of this club we are even issued cards and we men spend our entire life trying to hold on to our "man card."...
Bowling is out of my league (12/05/12)
Once upon a time, in a bowling alley far, far away, there was a young lad who could make a bowling ball smashing against a group of pins look like art. Or at least I thought that's what I looked like. I was a bowler. I had my own ball and even took a bowling class in college. After all, I liked the tough classes. For my final, I averaged a 200 over three games. I made an A and praise from the "teacher" and glares from my classmates since we were graded on a curve...
Tips for Black Friday shoppers (11/21/12)
After weeks of investigating I have discovered that Friday is actually Black Friday. And if the nearly three pounds of ads in today's paper are any indication, a day that many stores and shoppers will be taking part. I experienced the Black Friday insanity one dark day years ago. ...
I don't know jack about flats (11/07/12)
I grew up reading comic books and watching super hero movies, dreaming of the day I would finally become a super hero myself. Like Clark Kent I spend my day job as a reporter and even wear glasses while appearing clumsy and goofy a majority of the time. It is a good cover. That's my story and I'm sticking to it...
I'm a candidate ready to party (10/24/12)
In my diligent work as a reporter I recently discovered there will be a presidential election in mere weeks. That explains all of the posts I desperately try to ignore on Facebook and Twitter. But as I made my discovery and began investigating this election, I kept thinking "These are the best candidates we can come up with?" Were Beavis and Butthead not available? If only Martin Sheen from "West Wing" was running. But then I realized maybe the best candidate just wasn't running -- me...
Oh, the horrors of shopping (10/17/12)
Standing outside the doors that open and shut like a horizontal guillotine I took a deep breath and said a prayer before closing my eyes and venturing inside. The chances of me surviving a trip to what I refer to as Hellmart on a Friday night had to be less than 50 percent...
Lion king of the volleyball court (10/10/12)
It's tough having a secret. That was made very clear this past weekend when my friend Pate asked me to play in a charity sand volleyball tournament. At first I was reluctant. The last time I had played volleyball was 16 years and five months ago. I can give you hours and minutes, too, because performances like that are talked about for years and remembered in nightmares, err, dreams forever...
Gift giving needs new rules (10/03/12)
One of the best things about being single is there are a lot fewer holidays to worry about having to buy gifts for. And that is great for me because I have to be one of the worst gift givers in history. For example, today would have been my 14th wedding anniversary. ...
Women are nuts -- I'm just sayin' (09/26/12)
A friend looked at me recently and said, "David, you aren't a chick magnet, you're a nut magnet." Maybe she's right. It started at an early age when in kindergarten a girl convinced me to kiss her. Only when our teacher caught us, she said it was my idea. I've been attracted to nuts ever since...
Getting my remotes under control (09/19/12)
I have an ongoing feud. It's not with neighbors, co-workers or even my cat who enjoys running under my feet just as I go down the stairs. I have a feud with my remote controls. Like many men I have several remote controls that I can't live without. I have one for the cable box, another for the television, yet another for the surround sound/DVD player and one more for the VCR. Yes, I still have a VCR for whenever I want to feel nostalgic...
Trying to make dating compute (09/12/12)
I used to think that Internet dating was something computer nerds did in their taped-at-the-nose, horn-rimmed glasses. But then I became single and realized there was a whole other world out there I didn't realize. It wasn't that meeting girls in bars wasn't successful. I met plenty of girls in bars but they all seemed to be suffering from the disease. I'm not sure of the name, but it affects both the eyes and their ears. For example, I walk up to a girl and politely say:...
My heart remains buried in sand (09/05/12)
As a teenager I developed a love for the beach. My family would take vacations to visit Florida and the trips to the beach with the water and bikinis gave me reason enough to live until we returned the next summer. Then life happened and for 16 years I never saw the beach unless it was on television. Then I was invited by my brother to go with his family and friends for a week vacation earlier this summer. I was in my swim trunks before I hung up the phone...
I'm lost in the world of fashion (08/29/12)
There have been a few challenges to being single. None more so than shopping. Gone is that safety net when I could pull out a bright orange shirt, hold it up and ask, "Would I wear this?" I tried and the man walking by just looked at me and went into a five minute monologue about the color of my pants I would be wearing with it. No more talking to strangers...
Declaring war on the spiders (08/22/12)
All my life I have seen girls, and some guys too, freak out at the first sign of a spider. What I failed to learn from their pathetic screaming and flailing of arms is this one thing: spiders are evil. It took a more direct approach from the eight-legged death carriers for me to understand their true level of evil. And it was this evil that has led me into war...
Riding in wake of Capt. Death (08/15/12)
I have loved the water ever since I can remember. I think the first bath I ever took as a baby I did a gainer with three-and-a-half summersaults and came up doing the backstroke. "And Little Naked Baby David scores an 8.5 on the dive, only because too much splash landed on the bathroom floor angering his parents."...
A toast to the bride and groom (08/08/12)
I have never made a toast at a wedding before. Shocking I know as I think I would be perfect for it with my sarcastic wit and obvious humbleness. But today I make my first. My toast came about last week as I received the notice of my divorce being final on Monday. Of course on Friday my ex was remarried. Fortunately the judge used quick drying ink...
Plunging into home repairs (08/01/12)
I have never been accused of being a handy, fix-it type of person. I know the difference between a Phillips and straight-edged screw driver but only if I use CliffsNotes. But living by yourself requires some do-it-yourself ability. After all, you can't call a repairman every time a screw's loose or a nail needs to be hammered. So I decided that I was going to not ask for help and learn to fix things myself...
Venturing into the dating jungle (07/25/12)
A friend once told me that the best thing about marriage was you didn't have to deal with dating. I used to think he was nuts. At least until I started dating again. Now dating ranks right up there with going to the dentist. When you are married, it seems like everyone you run into is single and enjoying the dating life. They all seem happy to tell you stories of their latest conquests and all the fun they are having and even the happiest of married men can't help but be a little bit jealous...
Take note: I'm starting over (07/18/12)
It's funny how life can change in an instant. One moment I am walking into the house to talk about what I wanted for my birthday with my wife and then the next you are reading a note, finding out you are single. You learn real quick what a deer feels like when it sees headlights. And then there is the impact with what is behind those headlights...
Getting in the last word (11/10/10)
I realize cell phones today are complicated. They have a lot of little buttons and gadgets they didn't have a few years ago. But unfortunately some people still haven't figured out how to use them...
I'll exercise self-restraint (09/29/10)
I recently made a Labor Day resolution that I would start exercising and eat better, all in an effort to get in better shape. Now that September is nearly over I figured I had better get going on my resolution...
More than wins, losses (09/15/10)
I am not originally from Sikeston or Charleston but in the 12-plus years I have worked at the Standard Democrat I have grown an appreciation of the rivalry between the two schools. Especially in football, where the two teams met for the 125th time just a week and a half ago...
Out of the mouth of a babe (08/11/10)
One of my favorite people in baseball is Yogi Berra. I know I never got to see him play but he has given some of the greatest quotes I can remember. Who can't laugh at quotes like: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." "He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious"...
Going to bat for Blake (08/04/10)
Of all the teams in all the world, he had to be traded to the Cubs. On Sunday, Sikeston's own Blake DeWitt suited up for the Chicago Cubs for the first time and many around town cringed as he walked out onto the field wearing the Cub blue. For some, rooting for the Cubs might be too much to ask regardless of who their second baseman is...
Sweet goodness goes bad (07/14/10)
My world has been turned upside down and now I don't know what to do. The other day when I woke up I was positive the sun rose in the east and two plus two equaled four. Now I have no idea what to think. It began when I saw the headline "Fruit Roll-Ups dangerous to your health?" At first I thought it had to be a joke but then I continued to read and was even more disturbed...
Here's the poop on fish (07/07/10)
A few months ago, my wife switched jobs and during her switch I was asked if I wanted a refugee -- a betta fish. With the only other option being a flush while still alive, I agreed. It is a fish, how much trouble could it be?...
Having a super birthday (06/30/10)
Is it me, or do birthdays seem to come around too often? I think I've been celebrating my 21st birthday for about 15 years now but like clockwork, every 365 days it is here again. It's funny how differently people react to their birthdays. Some people tell the world it is their birthday and want cake, presents and other extravagances while others want to ignore the day and hope nobody notices...
No kicks from World Cup (06/23/10)
As a child I never liked being force-fed strained carrots or whatever awful creation they made for babies back then. I don't actually remember being force-fed, but I know I don't like it as an adult so I only assume I didn't like it as a child. Maybe that is why I don't care much for soccer. ...
A few burning issues (06/16/10)
While my wife has a lot of great qualities, common sense is not always one of them. As a matter of fact, I think somewhere along the way she lost her common sense and just has not been able to find it...
Tomorrow isn't for sale (06/09/10)
Summer has finally arrived and there is nothing like the heat and humidity of Missouri, perfect to head outside for some swimming, golf and, of course, suffocation. It also means dreaded yard sale season. That's right, the time to sell your junk to other people who are looking for junk. Of course every summer my wife collects all our unwanted stuff for a yard sale she has at a friend's house...
No class in some courses (05/26/10)
How would you like to go back to college and take a course called "Physics of Star Trek?" Well, if you were enrolled in a local university you could. I found this out just the other day when I came across of list of classes my wife is to choose from. She is going back to school to get her four-year degree and she apparently has to take three ridiculous university studies courses. I say ridiculous because they are just a way for the university to get more money...
The last word on games (05/12/10)
As I age, I find that I am still learning new things. Unlike an old dog, I find myself performing new tricks all of the time. However, sometimes the things I don't know, can make me look a little ridiculous. That happened recently when my wife and I had game night with some friends. Now I love board games and usually I am very good at them as long as you don't team me with my wife. That is bad board game ju-ju...
Keeping abreast of issues (04/28/10)
As a child I wanted to be many things. I wanted to be a fireman, a baseball player, cowboy and of course, president of the United States. Yes, president, but as with most things, when you grow up you, well, grow up. My dreams of being a baseball player disappeared when I realized I wasn't very good and after I looked in the mirror and saw what I looked like in a cowboy hat, I decided that wasn't for me either...
All wrapped up in fashion (04/14/10)
Sometimes, when my mind goes blank (and I have to admit that is quite often), I have to search headlines to come up with something to write about. So there I was, scouring the news Web sites when I came across this headline, "Iowan ready for prom with gum wrapper dress."...
Spring training has begun (04/07/10)
Baseball has finally arrived. The smell of the grass, hot dogs and beer fill the air and add to that the smell of money, and nothing could be better. That's right, money. You see, this season marks the first step toward my making millions of dollars thanks to my little nephew. The little tyke begins T-ball this week and his march to the billions of dollars that will be headed his way...
It's my diet - no kidding (03/31/10)
I apparently have a disorder I have dubbed Kid Diet. I was never aware of this condition until it was recently brought to my attention by a co-worker. I've never thought of myself as someone with a childish diet. When I'm hungry, I eat and I eat what I think tastes good. Evidently my taste buds rival that of a 5-year-old...
Dogged by a tiny terrorist (03/24/10)
As people line up to take sides on the new health care reform, I can't help but be torn between the two sides. On the one hand it is a little socialist for my taste, but on the other you have my wife. My wife is the perfect example of why people need health care. If it is going to happen to somebody, it will happen to her. Without health insurance we would have been living in cardboard boxes a long time ago...
Does this float your boat? (03/17/10)
For the last two months I have been living vampire hours while covering high school basketball games. That left me out of the informational loop so in getting back with the swing of things I decided to read some back issues of our great paper. That's when I saw that our Sikeston Department of Public Safety was getting an inflatable boat...
You should take my advice (05/13/09)
In these tough economic times, one can't be too careful with their spending. In fact, with newspapers dropping like flies all across the country, I'm starting to think about a second career. The only problem with finding a second career is there isn't much call for a sarcastic, below-average writer. ...
Pride: The great mistake (04/29/09)
There is a Proverb quote that goes something like: "Pride and poverty don't get along, but often live together." Very poignant stuff and also something that I found to be true this last week. Everything started so innocently as it most often does. I was sitting with a couple of co-workers, typing up track results, when the topic of how fast we could or couldn't run came up. ...
Bad fads just a part of life (12/17/08)
Well, winter has officially arrived in Southeast Missouri, complete with ice and frigid temperatures. But from the looks of things, teen girls have been expecting this weather for quite some time...
Bah, humbug! It's Christmas (12/10/08)
Once again, Christmastime is here. People are hanging lights from their houses, singing awful songs about snowmen and going crazy trying to find that perfect present that has been sold out for months. Ahhh, Christmas. I know, I'm the Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever you want to call me. I don't mean to be, but as Christmas gets closer and closer I seem to hate it more and more. But I do try...
My sports life is a fantasy (12/03/08)
"Fantasy football is the devil." It was a simple text message I got from a friend Sunday afternoon that stated so much in five little words. Yes, I am a 'fantasy football geek.' I didn't mean to be, it just sort of happened. What began as signing up for a team on a lark has turned into an obsession and not exactly one I'm all that proud of...
Beware of the evil kittens (11/26/08)
I used to think little kittens were cute, cuddly little things who liked to play with balls of yarn and give you that sweet, innocent little look with their big eyes. But that was before last week when I found out that some kittens can be evil...
I could be her parting shot (11/19/08)
There is an epidemic sweeping through the office of the Standard Democrat. While not the Bubonic Plague, it is something that can be just as deadly, especially for me...
I've no thirst for adventure (11/12/08)
It was a nice Saturday night. The house was quiet as my wife and dogs were snuggled in their bed while I was left to enjoy the quiet with my television remote in one hand and a nice, cold frosty beer in my other...
Bring on the next election (11/05/08)
By the time you read this, barring any hanging chads or voter fraud, we will have a new president and the election season will have mercifully come to an end. Personally I hope I don't hear the word "change" again until four years from now and if I get one more phone call from a stupid political group I may have to disconnect my phone. Apparently in Missouri the no call list means absolutely nothing...
Take my advice before you vote (10/29/08)
Six days. That is all the time left before we must decide which pathetic excuse for a presidential candidate we will vote for. While the days dwindle, I have been asked by several people if I will be endorsing anyone in this column...
Road trip with the three stooges (10/22/08)
Every once and a while you just need to get away for a few days. That was my thinking when I took off with two friends to watch a Kansas City Chiefs game this past weekend...
This is sign of wasted money (10/08/08)
Did you know that if you don't buckle your seat belt you could get a ticket? I know, it was news to me too. But that is sure what I learned the other day when I drove back from Benton on Interstate 55...
Some news to cheer and jeer (10/01/08)
While the stock market falls like a lead balloon and lawmakers bicker back-and-forth about what to do next, I have turned my attention to a couple of other issues that are flying under the radar...
Parade won't be as sweet (09/24/08)
Since I was a little kid I have loved parades. And what's not to like? There are the bands, police cars, fire trucks, pretty girls riding in convertibles, politicians handing out stickers and, of course, getting to see horses poop in public. But the greatest thing about parades is coming away with bags of candy...
This gouge is bleeding gas (09/17/08)
My story is like so many others. I was standing there, minding my own business, when I'm told if I need gas I had better go and get some before the price goes any higher. My response, like it is to most things, was "huh?"...
Speak up, not Speakout (09/03/08)
If I had a dollar every time I heard somebody say, "the only reason I get the paper is to read Speakout," I would be a rich man. Not only would I be a rich man, but I probably would have enough money to buy all the newspapers in the Midwest...
Going for the gold - my way (08/27/08)
I am tired. As a matter of fact, I'm worn out, not to mention in a little bit of withdrawal. Who wouldn't be though? After two weeks of the Olympics, I'm ready for a four-year rest. It was hard not to get hooked on the Olympics with the 3,600 hours of television coverage. I think the only channel I didn't see the Olympics on was Lifetime. Then again, that channel is blocked from my TV since all they want to show is movies about men beating women. Some woman's channel...
The wonders of my mind (08/20/08)
I have often been told that I have a warped mind. I'm starting to think I agree although it didn't dawn on me until this last weekend when my wife and I made an innocent trip to the store. First, there was the drive to the store when I saw a shoe on the side of the road. ...
Weighing in on sagging issue (08/13/08)
The Sikeston City Council had an interesting meeting last week as officials immersed themselves into the issue of, well, sagging. Never in my life would I have expected a city council to address this issue but these are the times and town in which we live...
David Jenkins
Sarcasm De Jour by David Jenkins